I've been going to SL every day for almost 5 yrs. Something happened...i'm not sure what...but I just don't go there much anymore. The place depresses me. I think I've been there too long as Joonie. I would love to just drop back into obscurity. There just isn't anything there for me any more.
So now what? It's been a habit for 5 yrs to walk into the "study" and turn on my laptop, sit down, go to SL and just stay for hours. Or chat on yahoo. Or lately, play cityville and surf and youtube. It's been SO hot here for weeks. Maybe that's just an excuse. Even the live music scene is boring me.
The last few days I've tried to stay away from this room altogether. Try to find something to do, you know, that doesn't involve this laptop. But before I know it, I just look up and here I am again. Like I'm looking for something in here. Like a lost part of me. I think I know what it is, but I'm only going to find it inside me. Not out there somewhere. I know that and yet, here I am....
As much as I hate to admit it, I think I've used SL and fb and all this online stuff to avoid....my life. Not that my life is terrible. It sooooo isn't. I have a relationship with someone who loves me unconditionally. I have everything materially a person needs to survive and thrive. But for whatever reason, I've turned to SL to make my life better. To fb for fun. To whatever for whatever. And in the process, I think I lost me.
My rl used to be rich and have meaning. It still does to an extent. But not like it did before SL. I no longer go to AA meetings or church. I don't work out. I have no outside social life really. I'm not sure how all this happened. I have my art studio kind of setup the way I want it, but I never go in there. I've become a shell of who I once was. I wonder if this has happened to anyone else. I never hear anyone own up to it.
I'm on so many social networking sites I can't even remember them all. And I don't care about any of them! Why do I join them? Is it pressure to be part of the "in" ppl of SL? If so, that pressure is coming from me. I never used to care about that. I relish in being my own person.
I wonder what ppl share about online. Weight gain and lose? I wish anyone with that issue the best of luck. But I don't know you. Their fights with their bf/gf? Again, I know that can be difficult. I wish you the best. But...I don't know you. What you ate? What you think is funny? Your fave tv show, movie, clothing line, haircut, toilet bowl cleaner? Don't care.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I just don't want to share...myself...with ppl I don't know. Maybe I'm just shy or something. I never have really fit in. Why would I think I could start now? Bah!
So here is my dilemma. I have spent 5 yrs in a place that brought me many things, but also took a lot from me. Recovery has taught me that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. And yet, I return to SL, Plurk, Google+....et al...expecting it to be fun. And it just isn't anymore for me.
So how to assimilate back into RL? That is perplexing me most of all. This lappy has become like a drug to me. Maybe it's not the lappy, but the promises it tells me can be had within. Love, friendship, a life I can't really have. But is it real? Or is it just another diversion that keeps me from living my RL?
