I've been going to SL every day for almost 5 yrs. Something happened...i'm not sure what...but I just don't go there much anymore. The place depresses me. I think I've been there too long as Joonie. I would love to just drop back into obscurity. There just isn't anything there for me any more.
So now what? It's been a habit for 5 yrs to walk into the "study" and turn on my laptop, sit down, go to SL and just stay for hours. Or chat on yahoo. Or lately, play cityville and surf and youtube. It's been SO hot here for weeks. Maybe that's just an excuse. Even the live music scene is boring me.
The last few days I've tried to stay away from this room altogether. Try to find something to do, you know, that doesn't involve this laptop. But before I know it, I just look up and here I am again. Like I'm looking for something in here. Like a lost part of me. I think I know what it is, but I'm only going to find it inside me. Not out there somewhere. I know that and yet, here I am....
As much as I hate to admit it, I think I've used SL and fb and all this online stuff to avoid....my life. Not that my life is terrible. It sooooo isn't. I have a relationship with someone who loves me unconditionally. I have everything materially a person needs to survive and thrive. But for whatever reason, I've turned to SL to make my life better. To fb for fun. To whatever for whatever. And in the process, I think I lost me.
My rl used to be rich and have meaning. It still does to an extent. But not like it did before SL. I no longer go to AA meetings or church. I don't work out. I have no outside social life really. I'm not sure how all this happened. I have my art studio kind of setup the way I want it, but I never go in there. I've become a shell of who I once was. I wonder if this has happened to anyone else. I never hear anyone own up to it.
I'm on so many social networking sites I can't even remember them all. And I don't care about any of them! Why do I join them? Is it pressure to be part of the "in" ppl of SL? If so, that pressure is coming from me. I never used to care about that. I relish in being my own person.
I wonder what ppl share about online. Weight gain and lose? I wish anyone with that issue the best of luck. But I don't know you. Their fights with their bf/gf? Again, I know that can be difficult. I wish you the best. But...I don't know you. What you ate? What you think is funny? Your fave tv show, movie, clothing line, haircut, toilet bowl cleaner? Don't care.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I just don't want to share...myself...with ppl I don't know. Maybe I'm just shy or something. I never have really fit in. Why would I think I could start now? Bah!
So here is my dilemma. I have spent 5 yrs in a place that brought me many things, but also took a lot from me. Recovery has taught me that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. And yet, I return to SL, Plurk, Google+....et al...expecting it to be fun. And it just isn't anymore for me.
So how to assimilate back into RL? That is perplexing me most of all. This lappy has become like a drug to me. Maybe it's not the lappy, but the promises it tells me can be had within. Love, friendship, a life I can't really have. But is it real? Or is it just another diversion that keeps me from living my RL?
I can so relate.
ReplyDeleteSomedays I feel like all I do is log in, shop, work, work, work. I miss the days of hanging out with friends, doing crazy shit, exploring, but it's no fun alone.
I wonder why I join the networking sites too - cos I'm all but invisible on them. I've stopped letting it bother me and continue doing my thing. At least when you are invisible you stay out of the crossfire.
I'm stuck in my rut. I hope you find a way out of yours and back to something that makes you happy =)
hi my beautiful Grace =)
ReplyDeletewhile not seeming real, all of those things you've done over the past 5 years have had a very real affect on your life.
and that's a valuable thing... you being here saved at least one person in this world and i would venture to say there are more out there you don't know.
you are the strongest person i have ever met. you have the amazing ability to take life's happenings and boil them down to what matters. no, you don't know all the answers and openly admit that, but you never settle and take life for granted.
so all those things that are within your lappy? they are not diversions, they are whats in your heart - and that is the most real thing your life will ever offer you.
i love you Grace!!!
while not seeming real, all of those things you've done over the past 5 years have had a very real affect on your life. and that's a valuable thing...
ReplyDeleteyou being here saved at least one person in this world and i would venture to say there are more out there you don't know.
you are the strongest person i have ever met. you have the amazing ability to take life's happenings and boil them down to what matters. no, you don't know all the answers and openly admit that, but you never settle and take life for granted.
so all those things that are within your lappy? they are not diversions, they are what's in your heart - and that is the most real thing your life will ever offer you.
I often feel like this, at one point I lived in a very rural place and sl was a sanity saver, it let me meet so many new people, but now I live in a bigger city and I see so much going on around me but I'm at a loss at how to join in on the fun. I'm in love with an partnered to someone on sl, but I'm not sure if we're ever going to meet. If I'm ever even going to get the chance to make it real. I feel like it holds me back from living but at the same time like my life would be empty without it. It just keeps pulling me back in and I stand around on my beautiful pixel beach and wonder what it would be like to dip my toes into real tropical water.
ReplyDelete-fleety
I so wish you well in your journey to find you again. I took a long break from SL when it totally got to me in 2009. Went on a fabulous overseas trip and stayed away for a long time. It was just what I needed. I felt tied to SL for the longest time and became a slave to the game and other people's expectations. Now I play it when I want, how I want and with absolutely no pressure. I tried to explain it on my blog and this is part of what I wrote. I still believe its a very important message when people get lost in the game.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be just fine because you've realized that something needs to change. That's the hardest part...admitting it. Now how brave are you to admit it on your blog? Good for you. SL can be wonderful fun but like many hobbies, we grow and move in other directions.
*When SL crawls in to your dreams or you start seeing SL in your RL, take a break.
*If a real person walks into the room when you're in-world and it annoys you, take stock.
*If the phone rings or someones at the door and you don't answer it, why?
*If you are hungry or thirsty sitting at the computer but you don't attend to your basic needs, that's ridiculous.
*If you start looking after your avatar better than you look after yourself, look in the mirror and say "I love you".
*If you prefer to hug a pixelated image instead of a flesh and blood person, switch off the computer and disconnect from your ISP for a while.
Here's a big hug.
I start to feel similarly about SL occasionally. I take a break for a month or two and concentrate on RL. It's always been good for me, and I feel much more balanced about how I use my time when I go back online.
ReplyDeleteMy main avie is 6+ and has a very defined place in SL. But eventually I couldn't log on without instant IM's. And there were certain things I felt I couldn'T DO. So I made an alt and do completely different things with her with completely different people. It allowed me to reboot. The beauty is that we CAN do that in RL too. Stop. Reflect. Change. Breathe. Start again fresh. Best of luck to you...
ReplyDeleteSL has had an enormous effect on my life. I quit going there six months ago or so, but I'm still so damn depressed it's all I can do to get off my chair and get out into the light. But I have to. I just have to. And I will. I would really miss you if you stopped doing your blogs. It's all I have left of something that had a HUGE impact on my life. I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteLove always,
you know who
I so know where you're coming from. I remember that day when I decided to leave SL so clearly... I went to this small town and thanks to the change of scenery, I suddenly realised how intense the air felt and how distant I had been from the people in the streets that were passing by, and it all genuinely scared me and that was the moment I knew I had to get out.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if the fact I don't log in anymore makes my life rich or meaningful though. To be honest I haven't really pondered about anything philosophical for the last three years or so, and very little of what I do actually feels like there's much of a meaning to me, mostly the stuff I do is done purely because of short term goals, out of neccesity or for pure amusement, but deeper values... I don't know. I think I spent way too much time thinking about that kind of stuff as a teenager that I now became a primitive to balance it out :)
Maybe you should take a roadtrip, or try something new, like something manual, dig into mud, you know, the things you can't really do on SL... sounds like that could be a start of your assimilation :)
Then again it's really hard to really run away from your laptop... even though I'm not in Sl, I do check facebook every day and have no intentions of stopping. But then again I do have several RL friends all over Europe and this really is the only way of keeping track of what's up with all of them unless I want to spend every day writing letters and raiding post offices :)
Good luck with finding where your path goes from here!
Hugs
Bailey
Thanks you guys for the comments. I love them all.
ReplyDeleteJordan - it felt so good to know I wasn't alone in this. I could so relate to what you said, especially about the social networking sites. I haven't found my way out of the rut yet, but I'm working on it.
b - what can I say? if it wasn't for you I never would have shared this on my blog. Thanks for your encouragement and just being you. I will always be grateful to SL because that is where I found you.
fleety - I so loved your comment, esp the part about being in love but being scared if it will ever be "real" in the real world. You said what I feel sometimes so perfectly when you said that about standing on your pixel beach and dipping your toes in real water on the real beach. What do we do? I wish I had the answer. =)
Chalice - Thank you for sharing what your experience has been and some of the things you did to move forward. The list of "red flags" to watch out for made me more than a little uncomfortable, which is exactly what I needed, along with the hug. Thank you, Chalice.
Kit - Balance. That is such an awesome word. I agree, spending time in RL helps put things in perspective. Thanks for the reminder.
Carina - Your comment struck a cord with me, especially the part about rebooting our lives in both SL and in RL. And those four simple, but powerful words: Stop. Reflect. Change. Breathe. But it was the next line that caught my attention: Start again fresh. I'm looking forward to that. Thanks Carina.
you know who - Yes, I know who. Thank you for the comment. SL is full of wonder and magic. We were able to share a little of that for a while. I'm grateful for that. I love when you said: "...it's all I can do to get off my chair and get out into the light. But I have to. I just have to. And I will." Yes, you will. And so will I. Thanks for sharing that strength. Let's do it together, k? Strength in numbers. =)
Bailey - I remember when you left. You said why, but I couldn't really grasp it. Sharing about the day it happened and how and why made me nod my head as I read your comment. I totally understand and I know you understand where I'm at right now. Talking about actually getting out and getting dirty made something click inside me. Like getting reacquainted with RL all ove again. Made me excited to see what was next for me. Thanks so much, Bailey.
It's not really about SL or social networking sites. It's about life. The one where real smells and real beaches and real stuff happens. I just don't want to look up and realize another 5 years have passed and I'm still in SL or somewhere, anyhwhere, more than RL. RL is where...real life is.
Thanks so much, everyone. I loved the dialogue and insight you guys provided. Much gratitude...
It's real, Joon, otherwise it wouldn't affect you like it does. It's a part of you like any experience from any life. I think the trick is how to balance it with RL. The computer is easier, after all, in many ways. And if you are already feeling like you don't belong, don't fit, it is a good place to go where you can get some contact and only put yourself out there as much as you want to.
ReplyDeleteAnd SL is a beautiful, creative place full of amazing people. THere are real people behind those FB pages and games are just fun, and we all need diversion from time to time. It all has a place. But to hear a real laugh, to feel a real kiss, to smell real smells and feel the sun on your face--these are necessary as breathing too.
You will find your balance, it might be uncomfortable for awhile, but you will. In the meantime, trust your heart and those who love you.
Big huge hugs and love,
PDV