I've had several days home alone now and it's allowed me to do a lot of thinking. That could be a good or bad thing...one never knows. It just depends on how far in the sand you want to bury your head and leave it there.
I don't know if it's a combo of the drugs I'm taking or the time alone, but clarity has descended upon Joonie's head ... and it's not all sunshine and roses.
I spend an inordinate amount of time in SL. I have since I first logged in in 2006. There was a short period of time that I took some much needed time off...and it lasted about 5 days. Addiction perhaps? I don't know. I do have an addictive personality, but I think it's more than that. I think SL enabled me to not look at my RL.
The funny thing is, there is nothing wrong with my RL. I have loving friends and someone I care about deeply. I'm buying a house, I have the car of my dreams, I have a job that pays the bills with extra for concert tickets and foofy hair cuts and feds my 4 dogs and life is basically good. So what's the problem? I don't really know.
I feel .... I don't know...bored? Bored in RL and bored in SL. If I never buy another fashion, it will be fine with me. And meeting ppl is fun..but I'm weird and sensitive and that makes it difficult to connect. Some people "get" me but most don't. I'm ok with that. I totally understand. I'm not an easy one to get close to.
The last few days I have had the pleasure of getting to know someone who I think "gets" me and who I think I "get" as well. It's been really nice. But here is the thing. Once you start opening up and sharing personal things, you can't help but develop feelings for them. At least I can't. And I have sworn to myself that I will not get into another SL relationship. I just can't. It isn't fair to me or to the other person. Joonie needs to work on Joonie for a while.
Just writing this is making my head spin. This is the kind of thing that happens over and over again in SL. Not just to me, but to all of us. We are looking for a connection. Someone who will understand us, and that we will understand in return. And yet it's difficult to keep that connection in the realm of friendship only. At least it is for me...I don't know why. But that is where it must stay. And then the conflict and confusion come in to play. On one hand, I want that connection and to feel loved and to give love. That is human. It's a need. But I know nothing good can come from that. So I self-sabotage that happening. I put up walls, I run away, I create conflict where there really is none. I drive a wedge between us so they eventually run away. And who can blame them. I certainly can't.
Today, I have an opportunity to not do that. I'd like to develop the friendship and leave the romance out of it. Just share and become good friends. I hope I can do that. I don't know why I have such a difficult time staying on that side of the line.
What I realized today during my time alone is that I'm not a very happy person atm. I used to be. I used to laugh a lot and have fun. I was outgoing and not nearly as introspective. I don't know what happened. SL definitely kicked my ass a few times. But I always got back up and jumped back into the game. This time I'm just feeling tired. Battered and bruised...and I hate it. I hate feeling this way. It's so lame! But I can't seem to get my momentum going again. This time, I just want to stay down and sleep for a while. Shopping isn't even doing it for me! You know somethings terribly wrong now!
Nite everyone! Sweet dreams. I'm sure this too will pass.
Hugs!
JJ
Romance at SL has has caused me severe heartaches, and I hope you luck in your desire to avoid it.
ReplyDeleteBut I have stopped trying trying; after a while, friendships developing in romantical relations seems the natural thing to happen, even if that means that at my also wonderful RL I tend to doze due several sleep deprivation, and that some times it ends in pain.
And about the feeling of boredom *srughs*, I also believe it will pass, and then it will come back again; I have been suffering those cycles for ages and I doubt anybody can truly avoid them, only learning to live with it (for example this week I have been in a low one, and it seems it is going to stick for a while :-p).
As I said, I can only hope you good luck with it, and suggest patience. Things tend to get better if you give them time for it.
Joonie,
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you. I know what you described must be really uncomfortable. But I admire the self examiniation you are willing to do and how you don't want to keep doing the same things over and over. It is so much harder to figure stuff out and make a change than to just keep doing it.
I think anyone who is sensitive and creative and intuitive has intense cycles of ups and downs. It comes with the territory, but it also makes you who you are. It will pass, and probably come again. I think you are handling it in an awesome way, feeling it and not trying to numb it.
If the person you are getting to know really respects you as a person, IMO they will help you make the relationship into what you need it to be. They have a part in it too and I hope that they will consider your feelings/experiences and act as a true friend should.
Loved this blog post Joon, thank you for your honesty and for sharing your experience with us, I learn so much from you, and I love you long time!!
xoxo,
PDV
Thank you both. I know many people who can handle it...I'm not one of them.
ReplyDeleteTurns out it wasn't real anyway. LOL So see? It all turns out for the best.
yay
Hi Joonie... someday a psychologist or sociologist will write about "The Boredom Effect"... until then we have to cope with it... it hits me about once every couple months... it can happen when you are happiest or saddest, it makes no sense... hugz, Yordie
ReplyDeletePlease Joonie Stand up and go on.
ReplyDeleteSomething wonderful is waiting for you. Sure.
Please please, you can.
Tr.