Endings...Beginnings...Endings...Beginnings

This part of my Slife is not pleasant to recall. But I'd like to get it over with. It's been weighing on my mind for while. Just the thought of doing this post makes me feel kind of sick. So instead of putting it off, I'm going to jump right in and do it.

I remember, the last time Rob and I did anything together was around July 4th of '07. I remember that because I have pics of us at the hippie sim watching a fireworks display. Funny because that is the date my next SL bf was "born."

So I had had the mean talk with Rob, and had muted him. I met K at Merry Pranksters. Max was playing. I was newly single and trying to get on with it. You know that feeling of being lost and not sure what you're supposed to do. LOL As I cammed around the room, I saw this guy standing in the back with sunglasses on smoking a cig. I swear. LOL And I was like, omg, he looks so mean! AND, he was one of those dark guys that think they're all that. I wanted to take him down a peg...men were not my fave topic at that time. So I im'd him and told him he looked mean. He laughed and said I looked mean or something. I don't recall the things that were said, but there was some witty, flirty stuff going one, I guess. When Max finished singing I sent him a few landmarks. That was that.

At some point we friended each other and im'd on occasion. One night I went to hear Max again with some friends. He was there with this girl standing super close to him. When he im'd I ask him about it and he said she was just a friend. A red flag went off. I knew that wasn't true. She was facing him and was right up close and personal. That was not the stance of a friend.

I felt myself get jealous. WTF is going on here, I wondered. He wanted me to come say hello to his friend. I refused. But thought better of it at the end of the night and said hello. She didn't answer me. LOL

Anyway, I think this is going to be a bit more difficult for me as it hasn't been that long ago that things finally ended for the last time. But gotta do it!

So anyway, we started hanging out a bit. Going to hear Max. There was always something "off" about him. I can't put it into words exactly. It was like he wasn't really there or wasn't who he said he was. I've thought about this for some time. I have many theories about who he was and what he was up to.

Anyway, against my better judgement (not that I didn't want to, I did), we partnered in September '07. Things are a bit blurry. All I know is....I feel sad as I write this. Not because I want him back, but because it was such a huge mess. It never should have happened. I have a few good memories where he was sweet and loving. But most of the time he just hurt me. And I couldn't let him go. I have never been so hurt, lied to, and hooked like I was with him. I have no idea why. I spent most of '07 and '08 crying trying to figure out why I was with him. Why I loved him so when he treated me so badly. I have no answer for that. Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't just rebound. Did I really love him? Or was it that he was so emotionally unattainable? I don't know. I still don't know. We would start and stop and start and stop. It was like neither one of us could walk away. But we also couldn't get along. The times between being apart grew longer and the times together grew shorter. I think we both just got tired of it. It ended once and for all around my birthday in February this year. But as a parting gift, he gave me an iPod Touch. LMAO! Whatever.

The bigger question for me was....why the f**k did I let this happen? Was it that I didn't want to be alone? Was he my rebound guy after Rob? And once it was obvious that we didn't get along, why did I stay? And stay...and stay?

I would love to tell you I have those answers. I think I did learn a lot about myself and I kind of do know why I stayed. But that isn't something I want to talk about here. I wasted a lot of time trying to get him to love me the way....the way...........damn.

He never did. He never could. He loved me the way he could. And it just didn't make me feel loved. He did some really sweet things while we were together. But at some point, he was seeing me and someone else. That was the beginning of the end for me. I felt betrayed and hurt. There was no going back. But he had become like a drug that I needed. If any of you know about the relationship between the abused and the abuser, you know what I'm talking about. There was some kind of dependency going on. I began to think it was my fault he was treating me so badly. Rather than looking at him for what he was. A 24 yr old guy. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with being that. But at 24, all I wanted to do was party and have fun. LOL

After over a year, I never felt like I knew him. Maybe we both had trust issues. We shared a lot in the beginning. But the multiple breakups put a barrier between us that we weren't able to climb over. The final straw was when he lied to me about where he was and what he was doing. My dignity finally kicked in and I just couldn't look the other way and act like it was okay. It wasn't.

Writing this, I still feel sad. I did love him, as much as I would like to say I didn't. But at some point, it's not enough. I spent over a year with someone that I didn't trust and who was incapable of loving me the way I wanted to be loved. It just is what it was. I think we both tried to the best of our ability. Some people just aren't wired to give love in abundance. And that is what I want. I will never settle for less again.

Since that time, I have met some awesome guys. Guys I thought might be the one. LOL But after my previous experience, I know what I want. And I'm not settling for less. I'd rather be single in SL than have someone by my side I don't feel like is being honest with me and I have to wonder about where they are. Why they aren't keeping their word.

I guess he just wasn't that into me! ;-)

Poor guy. Did I mention he was stupid, too?

*giggles*

Thus ends SLove for this avatar.

thanks for reading!

Joonie