Well ok...here we go. This is one post I'm not looking forward to doing. LOL! But who knows what will come out once I get started! ;-)
SLove has been the bane of my Second Life existence. It certainly was NOT what was on my mind when I joined SL. I really just wanting to experience flying! I don't recall the first guy that flirted with me. I'm sure I was totally caught off guard and probably was totally shocked...or didn't even know what was happening, tbh.
The first guy that I had those googly feelings for was my first SL bf, Rob. Rob and I just kind of...I don't know. We had the same rez date and a few other things in common. I sometimes think it's difficult for newbies and oldbies to be in a relationship. But Rob and I were at about the same place in our SL time and so we were experiencing similar things, learning as we went.
It started off as friendship. I saw him at Sanctuary Rocks and im'd him something stupid like...I dunno....something about being related I think. He totally blew me off. LOL Or at least I thought he did. But then after a little while he im'd me back and we just started talking. He was easy to talk to and seemed like a nice guy. We were friends first and things just went from there. It was like I was on an emotional rollercoaster, never thinking I would actually fall in slove. I mean, we were just friends, right? We had fun hanging out together and we could talk about anything. I don't recall exactly how that changed, but it did.
We continued to have fun...doing things together. Setting up a house. Partnering. And sharing our SLives. It all sounds so insane and conventional. Eventually we exchanged yahoo msger names and would chat during the day when we could. Then we decided we wanted to hear each other's voice. This was before voice came to SL. So he sent me a cell phone and we talked every day. There were misunderstandings, but we always made up. I felt like I could trust him 100% and that allowed me to open up to him in a way I hadn't with anyone in a long time. There was just one tiny little detail....and that was that I was in a RL relationship and had been for a while.
Rob wanted RL. I couldn't give him that. He would ask me if I ever thought we would be together, and because I didn't want to lose him, I would say maybe someday. Very selfish of me, I know. But I loved him and that was that.
I finally came to my senses and realized that I was not being fair to him. And if I really loved him the way I said I did, I would walk away so he could find someone else. So one night, I very coldly informed him that I had chosen my RL over him. I wouldn't go talk to him because I knew if I did, I would not have the willpower to leave. So I was as cold as I could bring myself to be. Sent the phone back, muted him, end of story.
A few weeks later...I think it was weeks...I im'd him.. He was very angry, which I totally understood. He said he no longer loved me. *ouch* I had that coming I'm sure. But it really hurt me which I'm sure was the intention. I thought to myself, well, you did the right thing because he didn't really love you anyway. What if I had given up my RL and moved to his state to be with him!?!?!
We went a long time without talking. I heard he was seen with some girl at a sex shop...lol. Get down wit yer bad self! People loved to tell me they had seen him with this or that girl. I just didn't want to know, you know? I just wanted to pretend it had never happened. Then I heard he was getting "married." I didn't care so much as I had met someone new and we were getting "married" around the same time.
Here's the other thing. During this time, I had met several guys. There was the one who fancied himself a psychologist that I met at SR when Elijah and I parted ways. He loved to get me all pissed off. Found out later that he was married and had an SL gf. UGH
Then there was the artist guy who I had one of the most amazing nights with at SFH. But I couldn't handle it. I was forever *poofing* on people. Just a defense mechinism that really didn't work very well. He couldn't handle it and that was that for a long time. We finally added each other back to our friend's list. One night, he told me he thought we could be really good together in SL and wanted us to be together. Oh, but there was one little thing. Since he was such a big shot in SL, our relationship would have to be a secret. Shhhhh! I was insulted to say the least, but he was married. The next time we spoke, he didn't recall this conversation. Said something about 'can't two friends dance' and promptly deleted me! I decided he must have been drunk and didn't remember the exact conversation. LOL
I think I'll stop here. I'm not feeling my heart in this. I think because there are still some strong feelings involved in this, I'm trying to hold them in check. Because of that, this blog post doesn't feel all that fun to write. Memories sometimes need to be just that...memories.
SLove has been difficult for me. I'd like to say it was over at this point, but it wasn't. I had one more lesson to learn.
Stay tuned!
Thanks so much for listening!
JoJo
My first SL relation was with a joung and passionate guy; and I say guy because he didn't cualify as a man. He was also self-centered, jealous and a stalker, even if it took me a pair of months to decide I couldn't keep seeing him.
ReplyDeleteSecond one? A six months platonic love with a married man, that ended with my avie "killing" herself and me out of SL for six months.
Mmm.. third? Oh, yes, the BDSM misstress that neglected me.
Then it come dear Natsumi,my actual parner (almost for three years now!) and a lot of poly relations. All of them, including the patnership, have had their big up and downs. Even with the stability that a working partnership gives, my heart had been playing the rollercoaster for some weeks lately.
So yes, there is little peace at SLove *sighs*. It tends to get messy, even with the right persons involved, but it can also be beautiful and fulfilling if you are lucky, and so I am hooked, for the good and for the bad.
I understand you don't want to get implied with it but, who knows? I don't like the idea of going through SL looking for somebody, but maybe someday you will meet the right guy (whooops, I mean man :-p) and, then, it would be a pitty to shun him away.
Of corse, considering that I carry a reclusive life to diminish the risks of meeting nice people and falling in love with them, maybe I am not the best one to talk about SLove :-p.
(Btw, I really, really, would send your first BF a copy of what you wrote about him. Romantic love is way more fragile that people thinks, but a good friendship is priceless, and maybe he also feels sad about what happened now.)
I've just caught up with a week of blog posts. Thank you so much. I love what you do.
ReplyDeleteJoonie, I think it's good that you are a little detached, because that means you've moved on. Time really does heal and it seems it has for you. But you will never forget, and that's good too.
ReplyDeleteLove is wonderful. Love sucks. Your stories illustrate these two eternal truths. If it's true that every relationhip is in our lives to teach us something, just think of all you've learned! :D
/me stays tuned.
Love you JJ!
xoxo, PDV
Thanks for your comments.
ReplyDeleteLondon - The last thing I want at this point is to find the right guy/man. LOL But thanks. Recently my ex and I have been in a little bit of contact and that's been really nice.
Marnix - tysm! *hugs* That means a lot to me. =)
Pinky - you've been with me through it all. Watched me cry and be happy and cry and cry. LOL Ty for always being supportive of me. =)