I miss saying those words. See, I have ADHD, and I was forever getting sidetracked by new,shiny things. Now, I've been diagnosed as bipolar, and the meds make me feel like I've had a frontal lobotomy. And I don't like it.
I miss my highs....and I think the lows are manageable. The meds....they work...I feel less insane. My mind has slowed a bit and my friends say I'm much more balanced. But at what cost? To be honest, I feel flat....I have seem to have lost my creative edge. I used to be able to come here and lay it all out. I loved writing. Now it's like I have nothing to say. What's the point of being "balanced" if I have nothing to say.
Granted, some of you might think that's a swell idea. LOL But if I lose my creativity, if I am numbed out to the point of not caring about anything anymore...I don't know if it's worth it.
I've heard stories of people who stop taking their meds because they miss the highs. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, that I just wanted to get well, you know? So I was like "give me the meds, please." Now I understand better why people discontinue taking them. I don't feel crazy anymore, but I'd almost prefer that to this numbed out feeling. And if I have nothing to say, where is my creativity? How do I express nothing?
So that's what is going on with me atm. Trying to adjust to these meds and trying hard not to think that I somehow caused this to happen. I intellectually understand that it is brain chemistry gone awry and I'm not crazy. But I really was feeling quite insane towards the end. Thoughts were buzzing past me like light waves. I couldn't focus on anything. It was like standing in the middle of the autobahn watching all the cars whiz by...only those were my thoughts.
The meds have definitely slowed me down so I can actually have one thought at a time. Oh joy, you might think. Oh boredom is what I think. I miss my highs really badly. This feels like a fresh kind of hell. Mundane. Monotonous. Dead. I guess this is sanity to most people. LOL But I've lost interest in my blog, in SL, in everything it seems. I just feel blah. Maybe my meds need adjusting! LMAO! I used to say that sarcastically about lunatic bishes. Now I am one! Hooooo!
Sweet dreams!
*huggies*
Joonie
(should have posted a pic of me looking a bit more crazy...hmmm...)
Ms. Joonie,
ReplyDeletePerhaps you should talk to your doctor and see what he/she suggests. Damn, what a mundane answer that is!!!
Hugs ~ Papaya
P.S.- You HAVE to stay balanced, because...ummmm...we can only have ONE drama queen at my wedding! :-D
Hugs to you Joonie. I have heard that adjusting the meds can sometimes take a long time and be a real pain. Sounds like the pendulum has swung a bit too far.:(
ReplyDeleteMore sanity is a good thing, even if it feels different, but maybe the meds are giving you too much sanity LOL. After all there is a big difference between the audobahn and a country road...maybe something in between is the ticket! I'm with Papaya, call the doc and see what they think.
Meanwhile, don't go off them and don't think that there was anything at all you could have done to prevent this. It's chemistry, plain and simple.
"new normal" is always hard to adjust to, even if it is better in some ways. Be patient with yourself Joonie and don't get discouraged. I have a feeling mo' bettah balance is coming.
Love you JJ!
xoxo
PDV
Papaya! LMAO! Wanna bet! ;-) I can't wait!
ReplyDeletePinky - you are always so supportive and I so appreciate that. *hugs*
Love you both!
You'll get there Joonie. It's early days and your body's just starting to heal, probably in shellshock from what you've been through. Give it time, listen to your doctors and be gentle with yourself - you deserve it.
ReplyDelete*hugs*