Fear and Loathing in Second Life 63/365

Fear:

1. A painful emotion or passion excited by the expectation of evil, or the
apprehension of impending danger; apprehension; anxiety; solicitude; alarm;
dread.^ The degrees of this passion, beginning with the most moderate, may be
thus expressed, -- apprehension, fear, dread, fright, terror. "Fear is an
uneasiness of the mind, upon the thought of future danger likely to befall us."
Locke. "Where no hope is left, is left no fear." Milton

"This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It is an evil and corroding
thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion
trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve.
But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear should
be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble." Alcoholics Anonymous

Fear is just another four letter word. It has interrupted my life, made me pass up opportunities, and kept me shut off from the world. Fear sux to be honest. There may be an issue or real memory of something that happened in the past that causes us to be afraid now, but it is a soul sucking emotion.

I'm not talking about fear of snakes or the threat of real harm. I'm talking about making choices out of fear based on something that has happened in the past. Shutting down to opportunities for love, or advancement, or whatever. Fear of failure, of success, of being hurt. So instead of taking the "risk" we turn down the opportunities, we walk away from love before it can hurt us.

When I joined Second Life, I was happy in my RL. I had a job I loved, I was in a long-term relationship with someone who loved me. I had everything I needed and a lot of what I wanted. I wouldn't say every day was a holiday, but I felt pretty content with my life.

Second Life offered me an opportunity to meet people from all over the world....to learn new things about their culture and beliefs. It broadened my scope of understanding and, I think, because of that, it made me a better person.

I loved exploring places and learning about them. I discovered the art scene and became amazed at the images and magic of all the artist and their visions. I discovered music from around the world and slowly gravitated to the music I loved most. I met amazing people and loved Second Life with a passion.

Then it happened as it inevitably does for most of us. I met a boy. I've gone over that part of my SL experience ad naseum, so I won't do that here. Just know it was much like every SL relationship, just insert different names. But for me, atm, I was totally entranced. Was it boredom in my RL relationship that lead me to fall in love in SL? I don't know. I've gone over that question and many more over the years. I don't know. It's probably several things. But fall I did...and hard. When it ended, as it had to because I wasn't willing to give up my RL, I was devasted. My life had ended. And in a way, it had. Second Life had become my life.

So what am I working towards? I'm sure some of you know where I'm going with this. But just in case, for those of you who don't...lol...I fell again. This time was totally different. I gave everything to this guy. And it blew up on me. I was hurt and furious. I felt all the emotions all of you have when something ends out of your control. Stupid, why me, blaming myself, blaming him, blaming Second Life, the Universe, God (if there was one which I was beginning to doubt.)  How could this happen to me? I was smart! Funny! Cute! What was wrong with him?  Blah Blah Blah

After about 8 months, I began to move forward. Starting making new friends, getting involved in things and not caring if I ever had another SL relationship. In fact, not wanting to. I was having so much fun! It was like discovering SL all over again. And then....you guessed it.....boys!

I met some amazing guys! Talented, funny, intelligent, and hot, of course. Many of them I had an instant connection to. Others had been friends for a long time. We would talk and flirt and dance and .....then I would run. I just couldn't do it. About this time, I was offered some opportunities in SL. Some were very appealing...things I could only dream about doing.

What did I do? I ran. I turned them down. Made up some crap about being too busy in my RL or just disappearing. And love? Forget it! It was fun if I was just flirting, but if it looked like it could go further than that....I was out of there! I would try by saying I wasn't ready and needed to take things slooooooow. But what I really meant was...I'm really enjoying this and developing feelings for you, but because I have been hurt in the past, I'm too scared to ever do this again. So I sent mega mixed signals. And eventually lost contact with some of the most awesome guys.

Fear. Wow...just wow. It's so strong of an emotion. Keeps me paralyzed, unable to move forward. And the real pisser is, it's all based on past experiences that, however painful, are keeping me from living my life now and is effecting my future. The new year, altho I haven't really made any resolutions, has given me an opportunity to look back and see things I want to change about myself. The fear when it comes to relationships is so strong, so much a part of me, that I don't know if I can ever successfully have another SL relationship or even want to. I dunno. Friendship? Most definitely! Fun? I'm all over that! But to give myself over to the emotions and just see where they lead me? I'm afraid of that. But that is living life safely rather than passionately. And I've never been that person. Going forward, I'd like to return to the Joonie I know and love. Passionate. Unafraid. Loving Life....in all forms.

JJ