"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another." Anatole FranceI'm in one of those moods where I just want to blow everything up and start over. Do you ever feel that way? I'm sure it will pass, but it's an interesting place to be. Questioning things. Asking yourself why this and why that. No easy answers. Probably because the questions aren't easy.
My 4 year rez day is next month. I'm not the same person I was when I rezzed. Some changes have been good and others..not so much. Many people have come and gone. Tonight I realized that the overriding feeling I have when I think about Second Life is sadness. That's not to say I haven't had an amazing time with lots of laughs and good times. Met some incredible people. But overall, it's been difficult for me. Mainly because of me.
Tonight, I'm just bored with it. I don't feel passionate enough about any aspect of SL to stay. I love my friends. I love the live music scene. I love fashion. I love art. I think I'm just going through something and I'm not sure what it is. Just feeling kind of blah about it all. And wondering about my Real Life. Maybe it's time I gave it some attention.
I'm not leaving SL. I've made that statement too many times and I know the insanity of it! lol I just think I need to reevaluate my time there. Maybe blow some things up and reinvent my life. I'm just not sure what I want to do.
So that's it for me tonight. Nothing earth-shattering. Just Joonie looking back and wondering....
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But wait! There's more! lol Here's the deal. Our lives, whether they are First or Second, is to some extent of our own making. I hate feeling like a victim who just stands around and lets life happen to her. And that is what I think I've been doing. Perhaps because I don't really know what I want my live(s) to look like, I've been willing to be swept along. And sometimes that's a fun thing to do. But for me, it's growing tiresome. I just feel ready for a change. I'm not sure what it will look like or what it will be, but changes are needed. At least that's how I feel tonight. Tomorrow? Who knows! ;) I do know that my SL should be what I want it to be. And to be honest, it really hasn't been for quite some time.
Thanks for reading!
JJ
Dear Joonie...
ReplyDeleteI guess lots of us ask themselves those questions... i do too. My 4 year rez day will be soon as well and i recognize very well how you describe the feelings that remain when you look back at it. Its all so very complicated, especially the balance between second and real life, the questions you have are difficult, the answers very hard to find. This struggle will always be there i think, for a part thats unavoidable... its the consequence of having a second life. But the overriding feeling, thats what counts... and ofcourse we want that to be a positive feeling. I wish i had some answers for you right now Joonie, i guess most important is to keep realising that there are people out there that care for you, in the end thats what makes it worthwhile. I wish that you soon will be able to bend this overriding sad feeling to a positive one, and ofcourse i will do anything i can to help you bend it. *hugs you tightly*, i love you, Rik.
"I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie,
ReplyDeleteI have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken tears must be cried,
Let's do some living after we die"
Joonie... looking within yourself and wondering "why" or "what if" or "what could be" is, I believe, a critical step in having a healthy sense of who you are and who you want to become.
I wonder about this stuff all the time. To think that your entire life (pick one) hangs on a handful of decisions - that at the time may or may not have seemed so important - is one of life's great mysteries. For me, a decision of whether or not I took a nap one afternoon 20 years ago changed my life forever.
Even though I think we all have a destiny of some sort - the path to it is up to us. We can either grab it or we can float along with the breeze and land where we may.
Joonie... you know yourself better than anyone else in the world. You are strong and will figure it out. Just watch out for those naps... :)
Hi Joonie...
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling well! I did it myself... pulled away and then came back (albeit with much more balance now between RL and SL).
I think it's natural to hit a point where you question things. And I think it's brave to vocalise it on your blog.
Glad I found this :)
Joonie, what I love about your blog, and you, is that you aren't afraid of all this stuff that is unknown, but you are willing to be patient until the answers come. Most people, I think, just push the unknown away and do what they know even more to make up for it. Your post made me of this quote from Rilke:
ReplyDelete"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."
Love you JJ!
xoxo
PDV