Wha?

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another."  Anatole France

I'm in one of those moods where I just want to blow everything up and start over. Do you ever feel that way? I'm sure it will pass, but it's an interesting place to be. Questioning things. Asking yourself why this and why that. No easy answers. Probably because the questions aren't easy.

My 4 year rez day is next month. I'm not the same person I was when I rezzed. Some changes have been good and others..not so much. Many people have come and gone. Tonight I realized that the overriding feeling I have when I think about Second Life is sadness. That's not to say I haven't had an amazing time with lots of laughs and good times. Met some incredible people. But overall, it's been difficult for me. Mainly because of me.

Tonight, I'm just bored with it. I don't feel passionate enough about any aspect of SL to stay. I love my friends. I love the live music scene. I love fashion. I love art. I think I'm just going through something and I'm not sure what it is. Just feeling kind of blah about it all. And wondering about my Real Life. Maybe it's time I gave it some attention.

I'm not leaving SL. I've made that statement too many times and I know the insanity of it! lol  I just think I need to reevaluate my time there. Maybe blow some things up and reinvent my life. I'm just not sure what I want to do.

So that's it for me tonight. Nothing earth-shattering. Just Joonie looking back and wondering....

~~~~~~~~~~~

But wait! There's more! lol  Here's the deal. Our lives, whether they are First or Second, is to some extent of our own making. I hate feeling like a victim who just stands around and lets life happen to her. And that is what I think I've been doing. Perhaps because I don't really know what I want my live(s) to look like, I've been willing to be swept along. And sometimes that's a fun thing to do. But for me, it's growing tiresome. I just feel ready for a change. I'm not sure what it will look like or what it will be, but changes are needed. At least that's how I feel tonight. Tomorrow? Who knows! ;) I do know that my SL should be what I want it to be. And to be honest, it really hasn't been for quite some time.

Thanks for reading!

JJ

Circling the Drain

 

So much going on lately on the grid. Personal and not so personal. Loss of friends and friendship. Discovery, confusion, misunderstandings, feelings of mistrust and feelings of compassion. Life on the grid isn't much different then life in RL, just more condensed.

Lots of thoughts about something and nothing. Death of someone in RL that you've grown to care about in SL...at first seems like an odd concept. One which drove me to ask for personal information from some of my closest friends in SL, something I rarely ask for or give out. I also felt the need to give my personal information to a few key people. That was interesting. Learned a thing or two doing that.

Emerald Viewer. 'nuff said about that. You're either in or your out. I'm still in....for now anyway.

Navigating relationships in SL is a challenge. Friendships can turn into betrayal in a heartbeat. Feelings of friendship can turn into more...but more what? Confusion reigns. One step forward, two steps back. What kind of dance is this? The one you love...the one you knew loved you...doesn't. Or do they? Maybe? maybe... He loves me, he loves me not. Who cares. Does it matter? I guess so or ...

Death has a way of putting things into perspective. I think I'll go soak my head in a bath of bubbles and steam and rose petals..and just chill. Turn my mind off...even if just for a few precious minutes.

JJ is wearing:

Absolutely nothing (free)

Emotional Exhaustion

Some days, I can keep it all together rather nicely. Being in SL for almost 4 years, keeping it all together has become a survival skill. Today I was not so lucky. Everything came spilling out and trickled down my face. Things I've kept bottled up somehow pushed their way past my defenses ....and onto this page.

I guess it's been a long time coming. It felt good to let it all come to the surface. To feel it. To finally say the words I needed to say. And to be done. I love the sound of that...to be done. But I doubt that is the truth. I don't think this will ever be done once and for all. Some things will never go away. They will diminish with time but the longing remains.

JJ

Joonie is wearing:

Glam Affair skin - Funeral (found at Potter's Field)

Truth Hair - Tatiana in Snow

Dress - DBW The Guardina Dress (found at Potter's Field)
Top - Mimikri Teddy Top

Earrings - Mandala

Potter's Field slurl

Fodder for a Blog

How do you decide who or what gets into your blog and who or what doesn't? I think I have been guilty more often than I'd like to admit to using my blog as a way to get a message to someone or to make a point. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. But when I let someone hijack my blog by allowing them to occupy space here, it takes away from what I really want my blog to be about.

Where do you find fodder for your blog? It's easy for me to look inward and occasionally share that here. Too easy, actually. I have been known to use this blog as a personal diary. People tend to make an assumption that they know me and my state of mind. Or want to be my friend because they "care" about me. As much as I appreciate that, and perhaps even unintentionally invited that by sharing personal thoughts and feelings, it is not why I write this blog.

So what do I expect? To be able to send out personal stuff into the blogosphere and not have people respond? No. What I do expect is that I will not be so lame as to put that stuff on my blog and then cry wolf when someone thinks they know me.

I hope you enjoyed reading my personal thoughts and feelings as much as I enjoyed writing them. From now on this will be about SL and only SL. Fun, fashion, art, creativity, and all things SL.

Thanks for reading! =)

JJ

Put Your Defenses Down

Defenses are easy to put down when love is involved. Love that makes you feel loved, safe, secure.

Put your defense down
open up your heart and lay
all of it out
I know how hard it sounds
but loneliness will have it’s way
in feeding your doubts

I’m waiting on the light
waiting on the light to change
I’m chasing out the lies
chasing out the lies
that keep you caged
I’m waiting, waiting on the light to change

No matter what’s inside
There is nothing you can say
to cause me to hide
You know I’m broken too
I’ve fallen far, I lost my faith
been found and made new

I’m waiting on the light
waiting on the light to change
I’m chasing out the lies
chasing out the lies
that keep you caged
I’m waiting, waiting on the light to change

Oh, love won’t let you go
It bends and reaches low
Just let go

I’m waiting on the light
waiting on the light to change
I’m chasing out the lies
chasing out the lies
that keep you caged
I’m waiting, waiting on the light to change

Matthew Perryman Jones - Waiting on the Light to Change

Joonie is wearing:

Skin: Curio Elf
Hair: Maitreya Green II in Natural Blonde
DE Designs Rune Flirt - Olive
Surf Couture Shoelace Sandals

It's Good to be Queen

 

It is good to be Queen. As women, we sometimes sell ourselves short. No one takes us off the throne if we don't let them. People will be abusive, disrespectful, and just cruel and hateful. We all have that choice and ability. Some of us just choose to be otherwise. Whatever the decision is at any given moment, to be kind or cruel, the recipients of that behaviour also have the ability to accept or reject that treatment.

I, for one, will not let anyone treat me with disrespect. That is my choice. You have that choice, as well. I like sitting on up here on my Queenly Throne. It's where I belong. It's where all women belong. There is another chair beside this one. Make sure you choose someone worthy to sit next to you.

This goes for all of us, not just the women. But as women, we seem to have more difficulty with self-esteem. It is important to realize that we are as strong as we allow ourselves to be.

Now get out there and conquer the world! Or at least our little corner of the grid. Don't wait for someone to come along and give you permission to do anything. Will it be lonely? It might be. But when that person comes along that can not only handle your strength but encourage it, life will be more than you ever dreamed it could be.
 

Fairytale? Maybe. But worth the wait and the happy ending.

JJ

Joonie Wonders....

....why her boobs look so much larger than they really are ...

..... and when will the new Truth hair be released. And she dreams about the future and tries to stay grounded in the present. No small task.

Say g'nite Gracie....

g'nite

JJ

We Now Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Blogcast

What to say? Not much left to say I don't think. It's all been said.

If you walk away, I'll walk away

First tell me which road you will take

I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday

So you walk that way, I'll walk this way....

7/365 Artist Within?

Doubtful. But it's fun to pretend. Actually, I have my studio setup and waiting for me to unpack my paints and brushes in RL. For some reason, I'm just paralyzed! Fear of failure? Fear of success?  I dunno. Hopefully, I'll unpack soon. In the meantime, I'll just paint in SL!

Paint it Yourself HERE!

4 of 365 Impermanence

Main Entry: im·per·ma·nence
Pronunciation: \(ˌ)im-ˈpərm-nən(t)s, -ˈpər-mə-\
Function: noun
Date: 1796
: the quality or state of being impermanent


Main Entry: im·per·ma·nent
Pronunciation: \-nənt\
Function: adjective
Date: 1653
: not permanent : transient

— im·per·ma·nent·ly adverb


Main Entry: 1transient
Pronunciation: \-sh(ē-)ənt, -zē-ənt, -sē-; -zhənt, -jənt\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin transeunt-, transiens, present participle of transire to cross, pass by, from trans- + ire to go — more at issue
Date: 1599
1 a : passing especially quickly into and out of existence : transitory b : passing through or by a place with only a brief stay or sojourn
2 : affecting something or producing results beyond itself

— tran·sient·ly adverb

Recently, the impermanence of people, places, and things has been like a glaring light in my face in RL and in SL. My doggie died, friendships have ended, places have disappeared. All as it should be according to some philosophers and religions. However true that might be, and I am up for a debate, it still sux. I know many of you have lost people that have come to mean a lot to you. They have left SL for one reason or another. Some understandably so, like for RL, others we don't even know what happened. All we know is that they are no longer a part of our SLives.

What happened to Chou Chou? Where did it go? When I try to tp there, I arrive in a vacant lot in Uglyville Mainland. *cries*

But what part does acceptance play in all of this? Should we expect things to last? Especially in SL. I used to look at SL as an extension of my RL. There were people behind those gorgeous avatars. I didn't really care what they looked like as long as we had a connection and we enjoyed each other. After some time, a friendship would develop and perhaps more. I truly believed I loved these people and that some were truly my friend in the real sense of the word.

I don't feel that way 100% any more. Of all the people I have met in SL, I would say only 2 or 3 I consider my 'real' friends. Of all the places I have found in SL that have come to mean 'home' to me, only a few still stand. This impermanence is what has caused me to pull back a bit and not take people, places, and things too seriously. I have to accept that everything changes, nothing stays the same. The impermanence of all things has to be faced and accepted, especially in SL. People come and go, places come and go, misunderstandings don't get resolved, distance in RL cause relationships to end....the list goes on and on.

Out of self-preservation, I have had to learn to let go in SL. Not 100%....I care about my real friends there deeply. I miss people who have left. After a few years, I still wonder what happened to this or that person. And I feel the loss of what they brought to my SL. But, if I am open to it, there are new people, new friends, new places to see, and a new beginning for all of us. It may not look or feel like the former friends or places, but they carve their own special niche.

Today, I am working on letting go of the things that no longer feel right and embracing the new things that come along. There has to be a period in between, to regroup, lick our wounds, and grieve the loss before going forward. I'm finally ready to move forward and listen to what my heart tells me. Hope to see you out there!

As a parting thought to ponder, I will quote from a friend who wishes to remain anonymous, but if you know him at all, you'll know who it is:


Friend: I look like I just got off a horse
Friend: turns out meeting people in RL is a pain in the ass

Namaste

Introspection

Three years in SL is a long time. Not nearly as long as the people who were in SL when I got here. But when you look at a person's life...it's a long time.

I have seen many changes in my 3 years. Some better some not so much. I remember when the number of avs in SL at one time was around 6000 - 8000. It quickly increased. I was part of the great influx. I guess you could call it the Baby Boomer generation of SL.

I've been thinking a lot about Second Life and Joonie's time there. It was so much fun in the beginning. A group of us that rezzed around the same time all hung out and had a lot of fun. Most of those people are not in SL anymore. I have met some awesome people that I call my friends. But there is nothing like the people who made up the first few memorable moments in SL. I love my new friends, but I miss the old ones a LOT!

I recently cleaned up my inventory. It was around 48,000, maybe a little bit more. Now I have it down to 28,000!! It took me forever! lol

Recently I have been thinking back to the beginning of my time in SL and I've been doing a bit of evaluating of my time in SL and of how things are different.

The biggest change I have noticed is the way other avs treated me when I was a noob and how people seem to be now. When I rezzed, people seemed more jazzed about being there. Excited about being a part of this phenomenal place. People were willing to help all the time. It felt like a community of awesome, helpful avs that were somehow invested in your time there and wanted it to be a positive experience...whatever that was for you.

I'm not saying it isn't like that now. It just doesn't feel the same. Maybe I've changed and that's why. Maybe SL got too big? Whatever the reason, I liked it better when I rezzed. It was less commercial and less about the money....and more about the people. Maybe I'm just romanticizing the whole thing. I'm not sure. But I miss my humble beginning. ;)

I think it might be me. When I first rezzed I was so happy that I had finally found a magical place that I thought only lived in my imagination. There was so much to learn and to do! I'd always had an interest in Buddhism. I meditated and read books by Alan Watts. In SL I discovered there were Buddhist monks and places where you could learn more about it. One of the first places I went was Support for Healing. I met the most awesome people there. I visited it today and felt a little bit sad, but grateful it was still there.

After sitting there a while, I realized that it was ME that changed. At first, I searched out places and people that were creative, spiritual, and seem to help me along the path to being a better person. Because I was seeking that out, I think it naturally came my way. So what happened? If I knew that I'd write a book about it.
But I'm not sure.

Clues I have, maybe. I just think over time, my ego took over. There was a lot of male attention, which I never anticipated in SL. I know...but I really had no clue. (still don't) but there it was. I've gone over that part of my SL many times already, but I think things changed, my focus changed, once I had an SL relationship. The focus was on him and us and me looking good for him and blah blah blah. I rarely went to spiritual places, I stopped being involved in art in SL. Music, which I love, was so we could dance. It became all about the romance. Not that there's anything at all wrong with romance..lol. But in SL, how real is it? SL is all about the romance industry. You know it's true.

Sooo...shopping! YAY! What girl doesn't like shopping. And this was so easy...run in click, buy...tp home. I love that! And if I didn't know for sure what to wear, the fashion blogs helped with that. At that time, there weren't 8000 million fashion blogs. Linden Lifestyle was a good one. And there was another but I've forgotten the name of it. Then the other blogs ... SL Fashion was my fave at the time. Some days, esp. after a bad time with my SL relationship, I would spend hours shopping! And of course, what kind of boyfriend doesn't buy you stuff? How else do you think I got to 48,000 items in my inventory?

This could go on and on but let me try to tie this all up with a cute little bow.

I made decisions based on what I thought I wanted at the time. Ego is about as far away from Buddhism as possible. And so is hanging on with clinched hands when something you thought belonged to you no longer does. I am not good at letting go of attachments, whether it's friendship, boyfriends, or any material thing. But I wanted to learn. By the time my second rez day rolled around, I was deep into ego, boys, clothes, and all the other "stuff" SL has to offer. I was so far away from anything spiritual or good for me. Only the music kept me sane at times.

And, to make matters worse, my disappointment in myself made me angry. Angry at myself for getting so caught up in things I didn't really value. Clothes? Makeup? Hair? boys? I mean, I love to look good...I love feeling sexy in RL. But it isn't my entire existence. Why was shopping my number 1 activity? I love shopping, but it gets boring after a while. (did i say that outloud) AND I think we've become so much little followers that we jump on the bandwagon of what "this blog" and "that blog" and "that fashionista" and all her friends say is in...that there are too many things that look alike and too many blogs ooohing and awwwing over the same thing.
Blech!

So the anger at myself turned into anger at other things. I became critical of other people and of myself. It just took a real downward spiral. I made some bad decisions and there are always consequences of any action. Today, Joonie is living those consequences.


I'd like to blame it on something, but I don't know what it would be. I started off being true to myself. Somehow, I ended up being true to who "you" thought I should be. "Look like this, act like this, talk like this, and like these things." No one ever said that to me, but it's what I heard. And instead of being centered in myself and who I am, what I believe, and what I want my SL to be about, I jumped on the stupid bandwagon.

I spent today visting old places and haunts that were an important part of my SL in the beginning. Did some thinking, and realized Joonie's time in SL is limited. I'm not leaving SL, but Joonie will be taking a little siesta. Until she wakes again, I'll probably be on the grid as an alt. I'm curious to see if you can really start over in SL and not get caught up in the game play. I want to focus on those things that are important to me like friendship, meeting interesting people, and learning more about the things that interest me. Wish me luck! I'll update what the new me is up to.

Sweet dreams, Joonie. Hope you return soon. Until then, be nice, you never know where I'll be...or who!

Thanks for reading!
JJ