Introspection

Three years in SL is a long time. Not nearly as long as the people who were in SL when I got here. But when you look at a person's life...it's a long time.

I have seen many changes in my 3 years. Some better some not so much. I remember when the number of avs in SL at one time was around 6000 - 8000. It quickly increased. I was part of the great influx. I guess you could call it the Baby Boomer generation of SL.

I've been thinking a lot about Second Life and Joonie's time there. It was so much fun in the beginning. A group of us that rezzed around the same time all hung out and had a lot of fun. Most of those people are not in SL anymore. I have met some awesome people that I call my friends. But there is nothing like the people who made up the first few memorable moments in SL. I love my new friends, but I miss the old ones a LOT!

I recently cleaned up my inventory. It was around 48,000, maybe a little bit more. Now I have it down to 28,000!! It took me forever! lol

Recently I have been thinking back to the beginning of my time in SL and I've been doing a bit of evaluating of my time in SL and of how things are different.

The biggest change I have noticed is the way other avs treated me when I was a noob and how people seem to be now. When I rezzed, people seemed more jazzed about being there. Excited about being a part of this phenomenal place. People were willing to help all the time. It felt like a community of awesome, helpful avs that were somehow invested in your time there and wanted it to be a positive experience...whatever that was for you.

I'm not saying it isn't like that now. It just doesn't feel the same. Maybe I've changed and that's why. Maybe SL got too big? Whatever the reason, I liked it better when I rezzed. It was less commercial and less about the money....and more about the people. Maybe I'm just romanticizing the whole thing. I'm not sure. But I miss my humble beginning. ;)

I think it might be me. When I first rezzed I was so happy that I had finally found a magical place that I thought only lived in my imagination. There was so much to learn and to do! I'd always had an interest in Buddhism. I meditated and read books by Alan Watts. In SL I discovered there were Buddhist monks and places where you could learn more about it. One of the first places I went was Support for Healing. I met the most awesome people there. I visited it today and felt a little bit sad, but grateful it was still there.

After sitting there a while, I realized that it was ME that changed. At first, I searched out places and people that were creative, spiritual, and seem to help me along the path to being a better person. Because I was seeking that out, I think it naturally came my way. So what happened? If I knew that I'd write a book about it.
But I'm not sure.

Clues I have, maybe. I just think over time, my ego took over. There was a lot of male attention, which I never anticipated in SL. I know...but I really had no clue. (still don't) but there it was. I've gone over that part of my SL many times already, but I think things changed, my focus changed, once I had an SL relationship. The focus was on him and us and me looking good for him and blah blah blah. I rarely went to spiritual places, I stopped being involved in art in SL. Music, which I love, was so we could dance. It became all about the romance. Not that there's anything at all wrong with romance..lol. But in SL, how real is it? SL is all about the romance industry. You know it's true.

Sooo...shopping! YAY! What girl doesn't like shopping. And this was so easy...run in click, buy...tp home. I love that! And if I didn't know for sure what to wear, the fashion blogs helped with that. At that time, there weren't 8000 million fashion blogs. Linden Lifestyle was a good one. And there was another but I've forgotten the name of it. Then the other blogs ... SL Fashion was my fave at the time. Some days, esp. after a bad time with my SL relationship, I would spend hours shopping! And of course, what kind of boyfriend doesn't buy you stuff? How else do you think I got to 48,000 items in my inventory?

This could go on and on but let me try to tie this all up with a cute little bow.

I made decisions based on what I thought I wanted at the time. Ego is about as far away from Buddhism as possible. And so is hanging on with clinched hands when something you thought belonged to you no longer does. I am not good at letting go of attachments, whether it's friendship, boyfriends, or any material thing. But I wanted to learn. By the time my second rez day rolled around, I was deep into ego, boys, clothes, and all the other "stuff" SL has to offer. I was so far away from anything spiritual or good for me. Only the music kept me sane at times.

And, to make matters worse, my disappointment in myself made me angry. Angry at myself for getting so caught up in things I didn't really value. Clothes? Makeup? Hair? boys? I mean, I love to look good...I love feeling sexy in RL. But it isn't my entire existence. Why was shopping my number 1 activity? I love shopping, but it gets boring after a while. (did i say that outloud) AND I think we've become so much little followers that we jump on the bandwagon of what "this blog" and "that blog" and "that fashionista" and all her friends say is in...that there are too many things that look alike and too many blogs ooohing and awwwing over the same thing.
Blech!

So the anger at myself turned into anger at other things. I became critical of other people and of myself. It just took a real downward spiral. I made some bad decisions and there are always consequences of any action. Today, Joonie is living those consequences.


I'd like to blame it on something, but I don't know what it would be. I started off being true to myself. Somehow, I ended up being true to who "you" thought I should be. "Look like this, act like this, talk like this, and like these things." No one ever said that to me, but it's what I heard. And instead of being centered in myself and who I am, what I believe, and what I want my SL to be about, I jumped on the stupid bandwagon.

I spent today visting old places and haunts that were an important part of my SL in the beginning. Did some thinking, and realized Joonie's time in SL is limited. I'm not leaving SL, but Joonie will be taking a little siesta. Until she wakes again, I'll probably be on the grid as an alt. I'm curious to see if you can really start over in SL and not get caught up in the game play. I want to focus on those things that are important to me like friendship, meeting interesting people, and learning more about the things that interest me. Wish me luck! I'll update what the new me is up to.

Sweet dreams, Joonie. Hope you return soon. Until then, be nice, you never know where I'll be...or who!

Thanks for reading!
JJ