Meerkat LoveOk, this is going to be a rant. Just an early warning. Proceed with caution.
Well, I don't know if it will be a rant or what it will be. But at this moment, I am so angry at SL. There are no warning signs posted, no tutorials on SLove, nothing is even mentioned about the potential upheaval lurking ahead to your mind, and heart or the consequences that may occur due to SLove. That really pisses me off.
Maybe I'm just pissed at myself for not learning the lesson the first go-round. I don't know. How can people meet in SL and fall in love? I don't know. Some call it limerance, but can that be what it is after a year or more? Perhaps. I don't know. After pictures are exchanged and phone calls?
I think our brains do not know the difference between real and virtual. Our avatars, as extensions of ourselves, do love others. Mine does. Joonie loves several people in her SLife.
I'm not making sense and I'm going in circles. But that is how my brain is working atm. Let's say Joonie falls in SLove, or at least feels romantic feelings towards another avatar in SL. We all know how romantic SL can be. There are several places that are specifically for the romance-inclined. So ok, Joonie gets all dressed up in her best formal attire, that perhaps the object of her affection even purchased for her, wears the diamonds also purchased, and goes out to a local jazz club and dances a bit with her heart's desire. And they chat and flirt and things go .... really well. A connection is born. Now what?
Well, at this point, several things can happen. You can go back to his place or your place for a bit of pixel kissing and holding and snuggling and .... whatever. You can wait and let the suspense build. Whichever, eventually it will happen. That is the first mistake! The brain doesn't know any better, and the emotions follow the brain and then, once the emotions engage, the heart follows.
Great! Now you're in SLove with.....with.....what? A pixel person? Do you know who is behind that hawt looking avatar? No, you do not. And neither do they! BUT, we are in SLove.
Let's say your SLover is 10, 15, 20 years older or younger than you. But you do not know this! Why talk of such mundane and dreary things when your heart knows no bounds? Maybe he/she is married, has a partner, or has other obligations? When is a good time to discuss that little tidbit of information? After we have said "I love you" for the first, fifth, tenth time? Oh, and btw...I'm married with 6 kids. It could be months before that is said. Why? Because in the beginning, we get carried away by the most awesome feelings we have experienced in years. IF you are married for longer than a few years, the RL relationship may have waned a bit. You have discovered romance for the first time in a while! No bills, no crying babies...just a real, true and deeply felt emotion for someone you have never seen.
I truly believe that SL can be the great leveling field. One of the coolest things, imo, is the fact that we can meet and become close to people from all over the globe, sight unseen. No more prejudice, no more judging on looks (we are all gorgeous) or on anything physical. It is all about whether or not we have a real connection with another human being. I love that about SL.
But what about when things become more deeply involved? The desire to hear your SLove's voice, to see pictures of them, to reveal your real self....the physical person. When push comes to shove and you are asked to reveal more than you might want or the object of your SLove is unwilling to go there, it can be terrifying and confusing and hurtful. Why?
Because if you have failed to mention something about yourself or have lied about who or what you are....now it is about to blow up in your face. Or you do have someone else in your RL and you don't want to get them involved. And that is terrifying because it could cost you your heart's desire if one of you is not willing to comply. SLove is a cruel mistress.
Let's say the two avatars have agreed to be 'partners' or whatever in SL and leave RL out of it. Fine. Sounds like a plan. Neither cares about marital/partner status, age, or where in the wide world the other lives. It's just going to be SL. Ok. You hang out, you have fun, you get to know each other and what do you think happens? Do you really believe that you can hang out with another human being, share intimate details of your life with each other, looking hawt all the time, and NOT fall in SLove? Trust me, it may not be love, but there will be some very strong emotions going on. At some point, one of you will want more. More what? You agreed it was only going to be SL, right? What if one of you wants it more than the other? Heartbreak. It cannot end well.
And even if BOTH of you want it, it is not that simple. Let's say you decide to meet and it is horrible. You are totally turned off by some little something they do? Then what? Game over? Or, on the other hand, it stokes the fires of your SLove. Now what? Do you have RL people to consider? Do you relocate? What about your career? Do you have children? Is this going to tear their life apart? It all just makes my head spin.
And if you're truly in love with your RL person.....why are you in SL spending all your time with someone else?
I am asking myself many of these questions. I am not judging anyone else. Several of my friends have gone on to be with their SLoves in RL and are very happy. But in almost all of them, someone had to pay the price. I wonder if they hadn't found SL, if they would have found a way to work through their problems. I am NOT talking about abusive relationships....or those that should have ended anyway. I just do NOT have an answer.
It's just all so messy. Life is messy. I've had my share of messy. I just don't think we know what we're headed for when we first begin to dress up our avatars and meet people. Eventually, one will stick. And when it ends, it will not feel like the end of a virtual relationship, it will feel like the end of your life. For some of us, it has taken many months. And even when you begin to feel stronger and your RL becomes your priority again, there will be that place where "they" used to live in your heart...your REAL heart....and it will never be the same.
I guess what I am thinking is this....if I am not in SL looking for love....which I never was....then I should not indulge in that aspect of SL. Because in the end, it can only lead to pain and sorrow. As much as we don't want to think about that, and as much as we just want to live in the moment, the time will come when it is not enough anymore. It cannot end well.
Some kind of crossroads will make you choose. Choose wisely...and with your heart. Take everything and everyone into consideration. Weight the pros and cons...and....make the choice with love. That means sometimes walking away from what your heart wants because you know it isn't fair to the object of your love to crash upon their life with all the baggage you carry. You must do it for everyone involved. It will not be an easy thing to do. But it must be done.
If you do not have baggage, if you have met and still love....follow your heart to the end. I wish you many happy days.
Now at the end of this .... I realize I am not pissed at SL, I am pissed at myself. I should have known better. Ah...but SLove has a hold on me....love has a hold on me.
JJ
I think you just blurted out what goes through my head every dang time I get involved in SL. And cause of that I'm usually a giant teeter totter with my relationships in SL. Get close close close .. waaait too close go away! No Come back! *headspins*
ReplyDeleteJoonie, you have done a great job articulating the roller coaster that is SLove, and probably said out loud what hundreds (like Bryce above) go through in their heads but don't or can't say out loud. SL is many things and many of them are good. Even some love relationships, I guess, but I think the probablity of them turning our well is low overall. Unless you make a conscious decision not to interact with people in SL, the potential is there and it can be deadly to a RL relationship, or even to a person's emotional well-being.
ReplyDeleteI guess the only thing to do is not get involved, but as you point out, no one tells you that at the start and by the time you realize what has happened, damage has been done.
Be easy on yourself, Joon, you say you should have known better, but how could you have? And, I wonder, even if someone warns us, tells us all this up front, would it be one of those things where we think "oh I would never do that." It creeps up on you, insidious and evil disguised as bliss. How the hell do you deal with that?...
You did a great job giving this complicated phenomenon words. I love your blog!!! and you, of course!! :D
xoxo
PDV
Bryce - nice to see you here. :) I totally relate to what you said! LOL! go away/come back/go away/come back! I think we want to do the "right" thing, but that changes and we want what we want when we want it. eek! LOL
ReplyDeletePDV - Thanks for your comment. :) And for being so supportive of me.
"...insidious and evil." LOL I don't see it as evil..but I uderstand what you're saying. It does kinda creep up on us.
Wow Joonie. This is very powerful and ring very true. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteYour explosion of words tells us exactly what can easily happen to each and every one of us. I wish they would include this in new avatar kits, so at least some newbies would be aware of this pitfall waiting to snare them.
ReplyDeleteAfter a while - a few evenings of talking or dancing, or several months of IMs or exploring (no virtual commitments or intimacies), I finally told two or three men that I was married in RL. At that time I didn't see any reason to do it right away. That is also awkward - telling someone that you have an RL relationship when you've just met them. They wouldn't care - yet. Neither is it fair to wait too long - and that is what happened. When I judged it the right time to tell them, the conversation would go in a different direction as I was typing the words, so I would erase them and respond to a question or suggestion and lose that moment.
Their reactions caused me to think through how to handle it in the future. My profile now covers all of the "want/need to know basics" for me: RL & SL relationship status, state, work, and even my RL portrait. It seems to work well for me.
Yordi - thanks! Nice to see you! :)
ReplyDeleteCasandra - great comment. thanks! I never really understood those people who put there RL info under FL tab or even understood why there WAS a FL tab. The blurb on the Second Life website states very clearly "Your life, your imagination" and goes on to say that you can be whatever you want! It's a fantasy world, right? Well, yes it is, made up of RL people.
But now, in hindsight, I see where doing that could eliminate all kinds of problems IF you're going to do SL relationships.
So now I just "date" in SL, and only those people who I know and who know my situation.
Great hearing from you!
Ahhh the topic of SLove. So many things have been written about it and will continue to written of this nether world of pixelated passion.
ReplyDeleteYou can't blame people for falling for ya Double J. It's the allure of something intense, the etheral promise of what if and the insatiable quest for what will never be. Fans self.....
I don't have fall in SLove on my to do list. Am I drawn to people? Yes!! Do I feel a sense of exhilaration when I see someone log on? Sure! Is it fun? Most assuredly!
Do I detach from reality to the point of contemplating tossing it all aside for an online friend? Am I willing to throw away my family and trash peoples sense of well being? F No!!
SL can really serve as a reflective component in our lives. You get to see a side of yourselves that may not be that pretty sometimes. Conversely, you most likely will feel an affirmation of all the good things inside of you that connect us all together in collective humanity.
Perhaps the firm ground we have in RL allows us to venture forth and share ourselves to varying degrees with other people in SL? If you are looking for SL to heal RL issues, it ain't gonna happen. If you are looking to SL to make your RL issues vanish, that too will not take place.
Joonie if you don't want people falling for your avi, pack about 100 lbs on her and start the faint beginnings of a goatee on her. Yeah, and also don't talk to anyone or don't blog. See how easy that is? ;)
bigd - well, first I had to lol @ you fanning yourself. *head size increases 10-fold* That was very sweet. And thank you for taking the time to post a comment. I love hearing from the males in the audience, too! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is a sexiest, unPC comment, I know..but I think women are more prone (heheh) to "falling in love" than men are. And are, therefore, more willing to toss RL away for SL. Then again, it's possible I don't know what I'm talking about.
You said...."SL can really serve as a reflective component in our lives. You get to see a side of yourselves that may not be that pretty sometimes. Conversely, you most likely will feel an affirmation of all the good things inside of you that connect us all together in collective humanity." I love this and totally agree.
"...Perhaps the firm ground we have in RL allows us to venture forth and share ourselves to varying degrees with other people in SL? If you are looking for SL to heal RL issues, it ain't gonna happen. If you are looking to SL to make your RL issues vanish, that too will not take place."
Well, that may be true for some. I have, surprisingly enough, found SL to help me with several issues about myself I wasn't too found of. A friend referred to it as intense therapy that I would have had to pay a bunch of RL dollars for and I agree. LOL But major relationship issues? Not so much. I'd rather live in denial. ;-)
One of the many things I love in SL is the Barbie aspect of it. I love dressing Joonie up and making her look "pretty." So no I won't do that 100 lb. thing, but thanks for the suggestion! hahaha! Besides, I'm way to vain for that!
So come into my web....bwahahaha!
You are one of my bestest friends, bigd! Thanks for the ego boost tonight! :) *hugs you so tight your face turns red..purple...eek!"
You know for a little thing you got some core strength...
ReplyDeleteBacks away rubbing his ribs
Love your post, Joonie. And the best part of your post was the end when you realized that you are angry with yourself, and not SL. That takes an enormous amount of self-awareness and courage to take responsibility for your life. Our MO socially in this country is to blame whatever problems we have on someone or something else. Yeah, let's sue McDonalds for making me fat!! *rolls eyes*
ReplyDeleteI think that we all have been at various stages you describe, and probably more than once, if we've been at SL for awhile. Why? Because, in the end, SL is an extension of life. Everything in your post is about life, not just SL. There are times when relationships in RL seem to be more trouble than what they are worth, marriage included. But we slog through and, eventually, if we do our work, we find that as with anything, we are rewarded.
Eventually, even in RL, relationships always end. Someone leaves the other, or someone dies. It sounds horrible, but that is the nature of life. Buddha taught us about impermanence, and it is a fact of life. If we're looking for anything permanent, we're fucked...and stupid. Yes, there are times when I'm fucked...and stupid myself....lol.
Enjoy the ride, stay in the present, and realize that who is in front of you right now, at this time, is here right now! Love is about letting go, not holding on, so don't even try it. Now I'm rambling so I shall shut up.
:-)
Crighton - your comment made waaaay too much sense, thank you very much! ;-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder not to cling and to just relax and enjoy. It is a difficult lesson to learn, but oh so important for my own mental health. ;-) And the mental health of those around me! LOL
*hugs you so tight....yadda yadda yadda...*
love ya!
Again I have to agree strongly with you Joonie. You said, "This is a sexiest, unPC comment, I know..but I think women are more prone (heheh) to 'falling in love' than men are." I've only met a couple guys in SL that can really be in love in SL without the need to feel move into RL.
ReplyDeleteI know this is sexist, but I've found guys are not as willing as women to be their avatars. Some guys think I'm nuts when I say, when I'm Yordie Sands, I am Yordie Sands. Most guys I've met feel that they are "just me" and don't connect at all with the idea that they are basically role playing in the body of their avies. The only guys I've known who view themselves as their avies are vid gamers.
Anyway, this is a very good dialog you've got going here.
I know, Yordie. It is the difference in men and women ... with a few exceptions, of course.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being part of the dialogue! It's been really awesome to read. :)
You are right. Life is complicated but love shouldn't be. I really love your ending:
ReplyDeleteThere are no tutorials on SLove... (An interesting anailisys follows)... but SLove has a hold on me... love has a hold on me.
Isn't it what is worth?
Hugs, Tr.
Trouble! It's so good to have you back. :)
ReplyDeleteYou ask, Isn't it what it is worth?
I don't know anymore. I love your faith and the way you still believe in the goodness of love. It gives me hope that you are right.
Hugs!
I have often pondered this very thing. I have been in SL for more then a year and never partnered. People keep asking me why. I learned early how to approach SLove. However, I am by no means an expert (if I were my heart would not get broken). I am not one to want to be "the other woman". Been there, done that due to deceptive practices of the other person. I did not come into SL looking for love, sex or even lust.
ReplyDeleteOne practice I did develope early on was to find out from males who desired to "see" me in a romantic manner if they were married or in an otherwise committed relationship in RL or SL. No matter how you cut it, as you stated, eventually feelings and emotions get involved.
I just posted something similar to this on my writing blog and got a few mixed reactions as I actually related it more to RL with SL peppered in. You keep echoing what we are all needing to hear and sometimes what we want to hear. I know so often I am more "preaching" to myself as opposed to sending information to other people. Keep up the good work, JoonieGirl.
Thank you, Parker! *hugs*
ReplyDelete