Something has been bothering me since I last posted. I wasn't sure what it was, but today I knew. I wasn't finished with the last post, but because it was late and I was sleepy, I posted it anyway.
I am in a reflective mood for better or worse. Looking back, I realize how important Support for Healing really was for me. It not only offered me a safe place to come when the world of SL seemed like too much for me, but I met and spent time with some of my fave people here.
Crazy things happened to Joonie early on in SL. Well, crazy for Joonie. LOL My emotions were being manipulated like crazy. It was a whirlwind of insanity at times, but I loved it! It felt like home to me. ;-) And I gave myself over to it. It was an incredible journey. It was like I woke up to myself.
Being where I am today and where I was when I came here is unfortunately I totally different place. Sitting here as I write this post, I feel a sense of sadness for that girl who came here with such enthusiasm and wonder. I was meeting ppl from all over the world. Making connections that were unbelievable. Falling in love, making close friends. Anything and everything was possible here. I was experiencing all the good things SL has to offer.
Something happened, tho, and I lost myself. Doesn't matter who or what...I'm sure others have experienced similar things. But for me, I guess I'm hyper sensitive to things around me. I pick up on things easier than some. I feeeeeeeel. LOL Anyway, I felt things profoundly in here. Cried more in SL the first year than I think I have in RL in the previous 5 years. And this is where I would come to try to sort it all out. I would pray and meditate and just sit and let it all wash over me, trying to get a grip on what was happening to me....and why.
Om mani padme hum
I take refuge in the Buddha
I take refuge in the dharma, the teachings.
I take refuge in the sangha, the community of practitioners
at my chest is a clear blue light
and from this light, and from me appears the mantra 'om mani padme hum' like a garland
in the center of this mantra appears the lord of compassion, the bodhisattava chen rezig
he is pure white, seated on a blue lotus with pure white moon disk at his back.
he is wearing precious silks and jewels
from his pure body comes radiant light of compassion and love for all beings
Om mani padme hum
so we recite this mantra, and his compasion and love covers us in a warm light
and in our heart we feel great compassion for all beings, and a wish for their happiness and well being.
Om mani padme hum
I offer up this practice that it may benefit all beings.
may all beings find the true source of happiness
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That was my mantra as I tried to stay focused and happy. Tried not to have resentments and to not blame others for how I was feeling. It was a real struggle. People can be very cruel. I can be very cruel when I feel backed into a corner or lied to.
But I didn't want to become that. I did not want to be bitter and closed off from the good things. I loved feeling again and I didn't want to stop. But it did. My fear took over. I haven't really let anyone in since then. Not really...not 100%, I have spent my time on the shoreline...looking out. Watching from the distance. Speaking when spoken to only. Like a child with her nose pressed up against the window on the outside looking in. Not because I wasn't invited to play, but because I chose not to. I didn't want to get close to anyone. I didn't want anyone to know me and I didn't want to know you.
This is a horrible way to live in any life. Earlier I spoke to someone who basicallytold me I had to change. I asked him how and he said just be myself. I hear that a lot. The icky thing is, this IS who I am. It is who I have become. I'm just not sure how to let go of the fear and move forward. But I know he's right. I'm only hurting myself. By not allowing anyone in for fear of letting in people who might hurt me, I'm also keeping out people that are fantastic! People who could change my life, or who I might make an impact on or help somehow.
If it weren't for this place, Support for Healing, I wouldn't have met some really awesome people. I hope you know who you are. And, I wouldn't have found that safe place to come and just be me.
I think I'll try to visit here more often.
Thanks for reading!
*hugs*
Joonie
While it is true that people may be cruel, most times the problem is them being selfishness and uncaring; not bad, but stupid. Probably all of us are, on occasions.
ReplyDeleteI understand (up to a point, at last) how you feel, since most times SL is overwelming; even with my retired and very limited life there, it is almost too much to bear.
So I am glad you have a safe place; go there often, try to help too (great advice from somebody who never wants to get herself implied with anything :-p). I can't believe that I am the only one who has been gifted with meeting a wide range of wonderful friends at SL; nice people is here, all around of us, and maybe that Support for Healing place you are talking about is the right place to look at (at least, probably better than Sanctuary Rocks!).
It certainly has been such a journey for all of us. It is nice that you can take your experience and reflect upon it with such clarity now. Carry that mantra and wear it daily.
ReplyDelete~hugs~ Papaya
Joonie,
ReplyDeleteI love the honesty of your post. My 2 cents for what it's worth...I don't think you have become a different person, the real authentic you is still in there, it's just covered in layers of defense and fear. Any time we let our emotions run free, there is hurt invlolved, and if enough of that happens, our hearts can callus over. But that doesn't mean you've changed. You're still in there! :D
"Be yourself" is excellent advice. But I would go a step further and say that you have to get to a point where you think you are awesome! So that people with their thoughtlessness, selfishness, insecurities and pettiness can't touch you. Where you are so strong and sure of yourself that people can't hurt you, not the real you, anyway. That way you can say "yes" to people and the good ones will stick and the bad ones will just fall away in a pitiful lump on the side of the road, while you walk on, head high, heart full. Where what others think of you doesn't matter because you KNOW you rock.
Sounds good, huh? I am still working on it myself, but when I can do it, it's wonderful.
You are a good person Joonie, funny and smart and beautiful. You have a lot to give, and you are right, there are some wonderful people out there. An open heart is required, and that is difficult.
I so admire your willingness to self examine, to try to figure it out and make positive changes. You are willing to be in it, the messiness included, and I think that has a big reward. Better than playing it safe. Remember you are going to be OK no matter what! And, as your horoscope says over there, it's all a "productive learning experience." LOL
Plus you have lots of people who love and care about you. I am at the top of that list.
Be good to yourself Joon and let others do the same.
Love you long time,
PDV