In the Beginning....

Tonight, I was feeling a little lost. I'm all about the music and when there isn't any, I kind of flounder. Not that there wasn't any music in SL...but none of my faves were playing.

I started thinking about being in SL and wondering why I've been there for so long. I decided to retrace my steps and see what that brought. One of the first places I went in SL was Support for Healing, so I returned there tonight.

There wasn't one other person in the entire sim. I retraced my steps and altho a lot of new, cool places have been added, I was able to find some places that meant a lot to me when I first came to SFH back in 2006.

This area of the sim reminds me of the time I sat on the edge here and talked for hours with one of my best SL friends, Crystal. At the time I had a mad crush on some guy (remember those intense early crushes? I kind of miss them!) Anyway, Crystal sat next to me and was so supportive and such a good friend. I miss her.

I'll be looking back at where I've been in SL since I first began my journey. Maybe I'll get my mojo back.

Nini everyone!
Joonie

Looking Back

This pic was taken at AM Radio's new installation.

I love the pic of me looking back down the railroad. It reminds me of where I've been, where I stand now, and that the future is unknown. Back there in the past...down the railroad....is someone I used to know. Someone I felt close to; that I shared many personal things with. He has since become somewhat well-known in the art community in SL. We met when we were both newbs and spent a fair amount of time together.

None of that matters anymore. I just bring it up to point out the transient nature of SL. People come and go. It's been a lot about loss for me, as I'm sure all of us that stay in SL for any length of time have experienced. Seeing him tonight made me sad. Not because I carry any lingering feelings of SLove, but because it went so terribly wrong. To the point that we will probably never talk again. At one point, we were incredibly close.

One of the saddest things to experience is when you connect with someone on a deep level, and then, for whatever reason, that bond is broken. It's never quite the same again. Damage has been done. It's a palpable feeling...like something hanging in the air. A sadness and a distrust...caution...a holding back of the feelings that were so freely given at one time.

I have to admit, as most of us girls can, that I have never been in need of male attention in SL. Regardless of whether I wanted it or not, I've always had it. It's irritated me, pumped up my ego, and made me feel very honored...depending on who the person was giving me the attention and how he went about showing it. I have met fascinating men, good men, generous men, strong men, sensitive men, creative men, and complete asshats. But for the most part, I have been lucky in the men that have been a part of my SLife.

Men...Men...Men! I love them! And they seem to love me! I don't think I've ever spent more than two months being single in SL. And during that time, there has been lots of flirting and having fun. I have decided to do something that is scaring the bejesus out of me. Lol! But I think it's a good thing.

I, Joonie Jatho, am swearing off men for 6 months!

That's corrrect. You heard me! Now, I don't mean I'm going to play for the other team in SL. *note - I said SL* But I am not going to get "involved" again for at least that long. I have a lot of work ahead of me if my future in SL is to be a productive one. I am sick to death of the tears and the endings of things that were so important at one time. I need a break from the loss and I need to figure out how to be in a relationship. First, I need to figure out how to be in a relationship with Joonie.

I'm looking forward to being SLingle. *giggles* and I'm also a bit scared. I'm a loner and usually have either a guy with me or....maybe one or two close girlfriends. So I think this is going to be kinda difficult. I miss SL as it used to be for me...magical and amazing. But when it was like that, I was mostly hanging out alone just exploring...letting places take me from one end of the grid to the other. I miss that. I miss the serendipidy and happenstance of exploring on my own. I also know it's difficult to go to places with couple's poseballs all over the place and the feelings that tug on my heart that make me feel lonely. But there is good and bad in both....so I'm off on an adventure to find ....me. I think that's what I've been looking for all along. Whatever it is, I think I'll find it.

Wish me well on the SLingle trail! LOL

oh...and just so yas know...flirting is STILL going to be a big part of Joonie's SLife...as it is in her owner's RLife! ;-)

nini everyone!

Joonie...the SLingle chick ;-)

The Choice

We can either sit on the sidelines and feel sorry for ourselves and blame everyone else for our state of mind and heart....

Or we...erm...I can jump up and participate.


This is Joonie participating...LOL

I may not be ready for an SL relationship, but I am ready to stop
whining and feeling sorry for myself and participate in the
dream...in the beauty...in the goodness.
Yes, there are people out there that would just as soon take your soul...
if you let them.
But no one can take anything from me I don't give them the ok to do.
My life is based on the choices I've made.
Some good...some not so good.
I made the choice to run, to push, to love or not.
I can't blame anyone else.
I have had the opportunity to get to know some really
awesome guys....to be with some wonderful people.
I'm sure I'll look back and wish I had been ready...
but I'm not.
I prolly could have done things better, handled things in a better
way...and for that I apologize.
But I'm just not ready.
So, if you're looking for a friend to hang out with and just talk and chill and have fun...
give me a ring...
no not THAT kind of ring!
;-)
nite all
Thanks for being my friend!
JoJo

Can't Sleep

So you get this pic. Do you ever feel like disappearing off the grid? Like just "poof" ... wiping out your profile and your groups and just not logging back in? Or maybe creating an alt but not telling anyone who you are. And not using your old one except to say hi like every once in a while?

I've been wondering if I could do that. Joonie has become a part of me. I think I'd miss her. LOL At the same time, she's been in SL long enough to accumulate some baggage and a certain rep. I have no clue what it is..but I know she has one! hahaha

Okay...enough of this...I need sleep.
Sometimes I think just disappearing would make things simplier for everyone. But what do I know.

nite nite

Confusion Abounds

I've had several days home alone now and it's allowed me to do a lot of thinking. That could be a good or bad thing...one never knows. It just depends on how far in the sand you want to bury your head and leave it there.

I don't know if it's a combo of the drugs I'm taking or the time alone, but clarity has descended upon Joonie's head ... and it's not all sunshine and roses.

I spend an inordinate amount of time in SL. I have since I first logged in in 2006. There was a short period of time that I took some much needed time off...and it lasted about 5 days. Addiction perhaps? I don't know. I do have an addictive personality, but I think it's more than that. I think SL enabled me to not look at my RL.

The funny thing is, there is nothing wrong with my RL. I have loving friends and someone I care about deeply. I'm buying a house, I have the car of my dreams, I have a job that pays the bills with extra for concert tickets and foofy hair cuts and feds my 4 dogs and life is basically good. So what's the problem? I don't really know.

I feel .... I don't know...bored? Bored in RL and bored in SL. If I never buy another fashion, it will be fine with me. And meeting ppl is fun..but I'm weird and sensitive and that makes it difficult to connect. Some people "get" me but most don't. I'm ok with that. I totally understand. I'm not an easy one to get close to.

The last few days I have had the pleasure of getting to know someone who I think "gets" me and who I think I "get" as well. It's been really nice. But here is the thing. Once you start opening up and sharing personal things, you can't help but develop feelings for them. At least I can't. And I have sworn to myself that I will not get into another SL relationship. I just can't. It isn't fair to me or to the other person. Joonie needs to work on Joonie for a while.

Just writing this is making my head spin. This is the kind of thing that happens over and over again in SL. Not just to me, but to all of us. We are looking for a connection. Someone who will understand us, and that we will understand in return. And yet it's difficult to keep that connection in the realm of friendship only. At least it is for me...I don't know why. But that is where it must stay. And then the conflict and confusion come in to play. On one hand, I want that connection and to feel loved and to give love. That is human. It's a need. But I know nothing good can come from that. So I self-sabotage that happening. I put up walls, I run away, I create conflict where there really is none. I drive a wedge between us so they eventually run away. And who can blame them. I certainly can't.

Today, I have an opportunity to not do that. I'd like to develop the friendship and leave the romance out of it. Just share and become good friends. I hope I can do that. I don't know why I have such a difficult time staying on that side of the line.

What I realized today during my time alone is that I'm not a very happy person atm. I used to be. I used to laugh a lot and have fun. I was outgoing and not nearly as introspective. I don't know what happened. SL definitely kicked my ass a few times. But I always got back up and jumped back into the game. This time I'm just feeling tired. Battered and bruised...and I hate it. I hate feeling this way. It's so lame! But I can't seem to get my momentum going again. This time, I just want to stay down and sleep for a while. Shopping isn't even doing it for me! You know somethings terribly wrong now!

Nite everyone! Sweet dreams. I'm sure this too will pass.

Hugs!

JJ

Anything but Ordinary

"Anything But Ordinary"

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
Let down your defenses
Use no common sense
If you look you will see that this world is a beautiful accident,
turbulent, succulent opulent permanent,
no way
I wanna taste it
Don't wanna waste it away
Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Is it enough?
Is it enough?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
oh
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

Avrill Lavigne

New Skin Yumminess!

I love this skin! FreeSpeerit is back and better than ever!

FS Kimberly (Glamour)

Go now!

Hope

So much is running around in my head..I'm not sure what it all is, so I'm just going to start and see what tumbles out. Don't be afraid..take my hand and we'll venture inside together. ;)


Of course I have to address the topic of Hope. That's what Easter is about for me. New beginnings. Spring and flowers and hope for things to be better. For me to do better, be better. And for the future to hold new hope for that. I realize I've said this so many times before. I have been slightly out of control. During my "up" days, I see where I have done things during my "down" days that were not at all the way I would normally handle things. I am determined not to let them happen again. I feel great love for everyone! LOL No really..I do!
But then the "down" days come. They are dark and bleak and filled with insecurities, pain, loss, and fear. I act out, scream, yell, cry, delete, push you away. When I come out of those "down" times, and see the wreckage, I am overcome with guilt and remorse but I do not show that. I show indifference most of the time. I don't want you to see me vunerable. I see it all clearly now.
Thank god for medication. LOL I wish I had gone sooner. But I'm also amazed that I went at all. And although I don't like the diagnosis, and feel ashamed to be honest, I am grateful for the feeling I have now, sitting here. I haven't "felt" this way in a long time.
I feel peaceful, joyful, sad about the losses to this thing I have, but mostly hopeful. Thank you to those of you who stuck by me when I was at my worst. And those that didn't or couldn't...thanks for walking with me for a short time. I will never forget you.

So, one of the things I did to celebrate was...well, what do you think? I bought a new house, of course! LOL
That's it below. I love it! It's very small and very cute. I also love Torley's windlight settings!
The house was created by Liz Gealach of Thistle.

The settings make pics look so awesome!

And this is the perfect way to start an Easter Sunday...dancing to hot blues music with friends.

Life is good!

thanks for reading! Stay tuned as Joonie gets her meds adjusted! LMAO!

JJ

Are you my bunneh?

Fun night....


Hope everyone has a happy day tomorrow..whatever you
celebrate. Me? I'm sleeping in! LOL

Then I'm going to go look for my very own personal bunneh!
*sticks carrots behind her ears*

I love you, man!
JJ

One Last Song for You...

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head

Little voices whispering

That I should go and this should end

Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white

That it was wrong or it was right

But you ain't leaving without a fight

And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

~~~~~~

The Tunnel....

As some of you know, I've been in a big, dark place for a while....


I got stuck there and couldn't seem to get out. My friends, many of you, and ppl I
didn't even know were kind and supportive. I still couldn't get out.
I had good days and bad days and in-between days. It's just, I never
knew which one I was going to have when I woke up.

Today I got what I consider good news. What I have can be treated and
I'm really happy about that.
What I have is a combination of things...one being ADHD. The others I'm sure you
can guess.

All this to say, I can see light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in a long time.
The other thing I'd like to say is....don't judge. Judgemental ppl suck. We all do it...
but it's ugly. And usually is only showing our own insecurities and small-mindedness.
When we make judgements on people, we are basically playing God, thinking we
know everything. We know very little about the journey we each must take.

I got some very good advice from someone when I first got sober. She told me
that other people's opinion of me is none of my business.
LOL
So keep it to yourselves, kai?
Hopefully the meds will kick in soon! LMAO!
Love yas!
JJ

Light after the darkness

It's a new dawn and Joonie greets the morning sun...

A new day...a new beginning.

Walk on...walk on...walk on....

As Joonie stood, looking out over the expanse and the winding road before her, she knew it was time.
It was not a choice she would have chosen for herself. She did not like to travel alone.
But the time had come. She could no longer look away, bury her head in the sand and act like everything was ok.
She had tried.

The road ahead looked dark and scary. She couldn't see the end or where it lead.
But she knew she couldn't stay on the shoreline any longer....waiting...waiting...waiting for someone to come. Someone who didn't exist.
She hoped that the lessons she had already learned would guide her on her path. She wanted to find that
fine balance between being strong and opening her heart.

Glancing down, she wondered if the shoes she was wearing were a bit much for this journey.
She felt a chill and wished she'd brought a sweater.
It was difficult to begin thinking about things for herself.
She'd always had someone else do those things for her.

Taking a deep breath, she knew it was time.
Time for her to start her own journey...alone.
She felt scared and exhilarated all at the same time.
She also felt sad that the one she had come to trust, to believe...was not there with her.
She wondered what she had done wrong to feel so alone.

Realizing that it didn't matter anymore, that she had to deal in what was, not what might have been...
she placed one foot in front of the other and started towards the road....

she didn't look back...

It Should Be....Illegal

"Illegal"(feat. Carlos Santana)

Who would have thought
That you could hurt me
The way you've done it?
So deliberate, so determined
And since you have been gone
I bite my nails for days and hours
And question my own questions on and on
So tell me now, tell me now
Why you're so far away
When I'm still so close

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

I tried so hard to be attentive
To all you wanted
Always supportive, always patient
What did I do wrong?
I'm wondering for days and hours
It's clear, it isn't here where you belong
Anyhow, anyhow
I wish you both all the best
I hope you get along

But you don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart
Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Some days just suck. I'm glad this one is over.
Tomorrow may hold the key to happiness...
I don't know. Tonight I can't imagine it.
But...I am going to show up for tomorrow
just in case. ;-)

Nite all...hugs!
JJ

So much to say...

...so little time!

I'm exhausted and stayed up way too late. I might blog later about stuffz...and I might not.

Probably won't.

LOL

nini!

Joonie