Don't take my blog too seriously, srsly!

My blog gets me in so much trouble sometimes. It does! True, I do go on about my feeeeeewings a lot here. LOL But it helps me clarify things for myself. It informs my how I really feel about things. Sometimes I don't even know until I begin clicking away on my laptop.

SL is an emotional place. Feelings of love, betrayal, joy, sorrow, loss, fun and excitement are just a few of the emotions that come to mind for me. Sometimes, I feel very manipulated by SL. It's difficult for me to tell the manipulation from the real, enduring emotions. Writing out my feelings here helps me know which is real and which isn't.

Today, I know beyond a doubt what my emotions are and what is real for me. It seems, perhaps, that has consequences beyond my control. Love is just love. Sometimes it's reciprocated and sometimes it isn't. But to really love someone, it doesn't stop just because it isn't given in return. It just is. It's not something I can turn on or off like a light switch.

I love because I'm human and choose to. I love because I am not afraid to do so anymore. That is an awesome miracle...for me.

I am on a journey of self-discovery. I have been lucky to find some guides along the way. And for once in a very long time, I am not afraid.

At least, not at this moment. And that is why my blog gets me into trouble! LOL What I say here today may not be how I feel down the road. But as you know all too well, I'll let ya know! =)

Sweet dreams....and great bums to all of you! ;-)

JJ

Butt - NSFW

I saw the meme thing Marnix started and thought...NO WAY! :D Then read some of the comments and I dun wanna be a chicken either! So heeeeeere's Joonie!

Be Careful What You Wish For..

You just might get it!

Have you ever wanted something so badly you think about it almost every day? And then when it looks like you were going to get it, it's all you could think about?

That happened to me recently. It's funny really. A sense of time, of place. Memories relived a jillion times. Regrets...wondering what could have been done differently. Wishing for another chance to do it differently.

And then that chance appears...or so you think. Jumping in with both feet, confident in the thought that this is what you've waited for and wanted all along, only to find the the water is shallow and you've knocked your noggin on the bottom. Stars begin to swirl as the realization that this is nothing at all like the dream you had. The vision of it happening was so wonderful. The reality is a totally different thing.

So what do you do? What are the options? Well, walking away is one. Staying and adjusting expectations is another. That's hard to do when we talk about dreams. Maybe just wait and see. But wait and see what? If there is no water, there is no water. LOL You know? Why go to an empty well to get a drink?

People change over time. At least hopefully we do if we're still growing and discovering new things. Change is not a bad thing. But it can be difficult to adjust to.

I don't know if I'm disappointed or hurt or astonished. Probably a little of all. You can't hold on to things as they were. But you can embrace what is and be grateful for that. Or you can walk away once you realize the dream was just a fantasy all along. It's funny how two people can have the same experience and then see things so totally different. Maybe they weren't having the same experience in the first place.

Here's to broken dreams, broken promises, and the space they open up for new things to come.
No regrets. That's a lie. LOL But today I strive to be into acceptance of what is, not upset or sad because of what was.

I'm going to sit here with my emotions and let them pass over me, engulf me, make myself feel them and acknowledge them. And then I'm going to let them go.

JoJo

Live Your Life Baby..

No one else is gonna live it for you. Just get on with it, ya know? Leave all the crap behind. Learn from it, accept it, and let it go. No grudges, no regrets.

(Rihanna):You're gonna be a shining star, fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.instead of chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Ain't got no time for no haters.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)

(T.I.):Nevermind what haters say, ignore them 'til they fade away.
Amazing they ungrateful after all the game I gave away.
Safe to say I paved the way, for you cats to get paid today.
You still be wasting days away, nah had I never saved the day.
Consider them my protégé, homage I think they should pay.
Instead of being gracious, they violated in a major way.
I never been a hater still I love them,
in a crazy way.
Some say they so yay and no they couldn't even work on Labor day.
It aint that they black or white, their hands of area in shades of grey.
I'm West side anyway, even if I left the day it fade away.
Some move away to make a way not move away cause they afraid.
I'll go back to the hood and all you ever did was hate away.
I pray for patience but they make me want to melt they face away.
Like I once made them scream, now I could make them plead their case away.
Been thuggin' all my life, can't say I don't deserve to take a break.
You'd rather see me catch a case, and watch my future fade away

Rihanna):You're gonna be a shining star, fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.instead of chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Ain't got no time for no haters
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life.

(T.I.):I'm the opposite of moderate, immaculately polished with the spirit of a hustler and the swagger of a college kid.
Allergic to the counterfeit, impartial to the politics.
Articulate but still would grab a nigga by the collar quick.
Whoever had problems, they reckoncile they just holla 'tip.
If that don't work and just fails, then turn around and follow 'tip.
I got love for the game but ay I'm not in love with all of it.
I do without the fame and the rappers nowadays are comedy.
The hootin' and the hollerin', back and forth with the arguing.
Where you from, who you know, what you make and what kind of car you in.
Seems as though you lost sight of whats important when depositing your checks into your bank account, and you're about poverted.
Your values is a disarrayed, prioritized are horribly.
Unhappy with the riches cause you piss poor morally.
Ignoring all prior advice and fore warning.
And we might be full of ourselves all of a sudden aren't we?

(Rihanna):You're gonna be a shining star, fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.instead of chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Ain't got no time for no haters
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)

(Rhianna) Everybody watchin what I do
Come walk in my shoes
And see the way I'm livin if you really want to
Got my mind on my money
And I'm not goin nowhere
So keep on gettin your paper
And keep on climbing
Look in the mirror and keep on shining
Till the game ends, till the clock stops
We gon' post up on the top spot
Livin the life, the life
In a brand new city got my whole team with me
The life, my life I do what I wanna do I'm livin my life, my life I will never lose, I'm livin my life, my life And I'm not stopping
So live your life!
(Rihanna):You're gonna be a shining star, fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.instead of chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Ain't got no time for no haters
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)
So live your life.!!

Amazing Day

Today was my AA birthday! And to celebrate, I spent time with an old friend. Someone who used to mean a lot to me. We haven't spoken in two years and tonight we spent several hours hanging out and catching up. It was like we'd never spent any time apart.

There were lots of questions asked and answered. Lots of emotions on my part. It was an awesome thing and I'm grateful for it.

I have been given many gifts and opportunities in SL. I sometimes tend to look at the bad things even if there is only one instead of the good things even if they are in the hundreds. Why is that?

Tonight I just feel gratitude. I'm not going to let one bad apple.....one rotten tomato....one complete idiotic liar....one....eeeew...I'm doing it again aren't I. LOL

Ok...let's stop on a positive note. ;)

Thanks for tonight, Mr. Jatho. It was so much fun!

JJ

Everything Changes....Nothing Lasts Forever

There are very few places in SL that make me feel more at home than builds by Baron Grayson and Sue Stonebender. One of the first sims I went to was Ubuntu. It bordered the sims Templum ex Obsurum. I took everyone here that meant anything to me to share my fave place in SL. It is dark but has light everywhere, which for me, represented the human condition.

I found out a few days ago that Sue and Baron are leaving SL due to RL issues. They have been in SL since 2004. With their leaving, the sims will be sold or have been sold. So I spent some time there taking pics and just sitting there, in gratitude, for the time I had there and for having the opportunity to meet and appreciate Sue and Baron. To say I am sad is an understatement.

This is the Nameless Isle. It was to be Baron's next adventure. He kept it open during the building process, and invited people to come watch him build it and ask questions. It was to be an Unseelie sim, and was shaping up as such. But it was never completed totally. I think one of the saddest things I saw when there were unfinished boxes stacked on top of one another, waiting for the artist's hands to finish production. That day will not come.

The light shines through no matter how dark it is. This is one of my fave places on the sim.

I love the way the place changes depending on the time of day settings.

Such beauty and chaos all rolled into one.

I sat here for a while and thought about the impermanance of Second Life. How quickly things change there, for good and for bad. The people that have past through my SLife and the places that have had real meaning to me. It seems, sometimes, that the good people leave all too quickly. Sue and Baron were definitely the best of the best. Baron was an awesome artist and I loved reading his blog about the places he went in RL. And Sue is one of the most giving people I have ever met. She created the Giving Tree which helped people in different situations throughout the world. If you would like to know more about this, please IM me.

I'm grateful for all the places on the Grid that have represented "home" to me. I will miss this one. I am grateful that I can return to my "home" and remember the good. Every thing changes, even those things that we wish wouldn't.

Go visit the Nameless Isle while you still can. I wish all good things to Sue and Baron. You will be missed.

Joonie

At LEAST 32!

Shape Form Magic

Are you my mommy?

SL is a strange place. We all know that. In the last two days, I have contemplated leaving there once and for all. A lot of my friends from early on have left. The ones that are still there are busy or just don't like me anymore! LOL And lately when I log in, I don't know what to do. I've done the bar thing, the music thing, the fashion thing, the boy thing, the music thing...again, the dancing thing, the attempting to build thing, the rp thing, and the shopping thing (which I still do!)

I'm not sure what thing there is left to do! LOL I would like to feel like I contribute somehow, but I really don't. Perhaps my contribution is keeping the SL economy alive and well. Hooooo!

But something always seems to happen when I am ready to commit SLuicide. LOL Last night, I was listening to Max play and I receive this random IM. I'm like, ugh. Not interested!! But this person must have known me cos he was really friendly right off...he im'd "joonie....joonie....joonie." I found him in the crowd and did not recognize him AT ALL. So I asked if I knew him.

He started playing this cat and mouse game. You know the one....kinda like 3 guesses or Hot or Cold. So that went on for a few mins and I could NOT figure out who he was. I tried to think of who would say "joonie...joonie..joonie" but since he didn't have a German accent, I ruled that person out.

I noticed in his profile he only had two groups listed and he was barely a week old. The groups were about the same topic, so there was Clue #1! I asked him about this and he said yes, he loves this topic. He said we had last spoken about 5 or 6 months ago. Nothing...complete blank. And then...I dared to think it might be someone I have missed a lot! I didn't want to get too excited just in case it wasn't him. I narrowed it down to two people, hoping it was one in particular! And it WAS!

OMG I was soooooo happy! We talked for a while and it was so awesome to hear from him. I hope he continues to come around. We talked about the reason he left and he has every reason to leave. But I'm so glad he popped in for a while. Hugs to you...you know who you are! ;-)

The next awesome thing that happened was...I received a notecard from Bettina Tizzy. If you don't know who she is, find her and join all of her groups! LOL Anyway, I received the following notecard:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STRANGERS ALSO DANCE
====================
The inaugural exhibition for the IBM Exhibition Space is Strangers Also Dance by Glyph Graves. Glyph is a Australian based artist whose interactive works incorporate sound, elaborate visuals and narrative. This piece in particular provides a journey through an alternative universe inhabited by jellyfish-like creatures made of sound and light. Incorporating interactive scripts, including cellular automata, the creatures and plants will react to your presence, incorporating you into their behavior. Come visit an exhibition where the denizens are as curious of you as you are of them!

ABOUT THE ARTIST
============
My art in SL is currently focused on the interplay between form, structure and texture. As well asthe normal digital tools of graphic and 3D modeling programs, I also freely make use of Linden Scripting Language as both my chisel and my paintbrush. I'm constantly in a state of wonder at depth and the dimensionality that's available for art of Second Life.

I'm known for my work with slow alpha textures in complex sculpts but also work with interactive sound. In addition, I have a strong interest in Artifical Life (both evolving and non evolving) and Artificial Intelligence and see SL - despite its limitations - as a good test-of-concept platorm .

Winner of the outstanding 3D sculpture Award at the Radiance Exhibition @ AngelGate
many exhibitions including:

- Total Windsculpture - A multi element sculpture that maps the SL wind to movement colour and a set of musical notes.
- Full sim at Ars Simulacra Showcase Island
- Various pieces rotated at the Aho museum
- Level 14 at Crossworlds Gallery
- Kiss the Sky Exhibition
- Chakryn Forest
- Russian Archipelago
- Radiance Exhibition @ AngelGate

Art Builds participated in :
- The Immersion collaboration with Bryn Oh and Nonnatus Korhonen
- Rezzable's underwater build at Rezzables 14
- Rezzable Plasma Deep Space build
- Dancoyote Antonelli's ZeroG SkyDancers
- Caerleon - Surrealistic Dance Hall
- Caerleon - Life is a bowl of....
- Caerleon - One prim wonder


NOTES ON "STRANGERS ALSO DANCE"
=======================
The build

This build was first conceived in Feb-March 2008 but never progressed very far due to lack of time and prim space. The jellyfish, the ripple effect on the sculpt sand base, the speakers (the green plants in the dance sphere), early versions of the sound scripts and some movement routines date from then.

I tried to minimize the use of notecards by having the story IMed to the avatar through the grey green "biocrystals".

It's a simple story of the inhabitants of a warm gas giant and their adaptation (or not) to SL. It could possibly be allegorical. Of life in SL....or not. In any case you might just prefer to think of the tv series Lost.


Sound

All sounds in the build are played note by note. The speakers (the green plants) are designed to produce a spatial sense by cascading the notes down prim by prim as well as having them arranged around the sphere.

In the start area of the build a stereo effect is created by splitting the stereo track into mono components and playing them in opposite prims (it is also swirled by playing the pairs in consecutive prims).

The music aspect will be modified during the life of the build ... time pressure did not allow the sophistication I was aiming for.


Movement

The movement is all physical except for the butterflies at the swamp level, it is much smoother and sim friendly than non phys movement. The main jellyfish ballet (the pinkish ones) use a heavily modified version of the CatRomm Splines script by Lyndyn Tzara. All others are from scripts I've written from time to time.


Sculptures

I've been playing a lot more recently with partially inverted solid textured sculpts. Though they have always been part of my sculptures the use of non alpha textures has made it more prominent. You will see them scattered around. I've become fascinated by the interplay between the two aspects, particularly the interpenetration of the two.


Organisms

Some are old some are new, all are ones I've made in SL.

I'm particularly fond of the cellular automata based ones. I set out to make a texture effect but when the similarity of what I was doing to cellular automata struck me I changed tack. They are a bit different from normal cellular automata in that they are asynchronous in their update and lack a rigid, regular placement. They react to both the avatar touching them and to the state of each of their local neighbors according to a simple rule set. After a touch the music starts to self propagate in a repeating pattern (which is different each time).

The resulting music can be quite pleasing. They don't do well in high lag areas though.


Acknowledgments

The individual notes used to create the sound that accompanies the ballet by janovick www.freesound.org

Bettina Tizzy for support, friendship and pointing out this video (http://vimeo.com/3996331) that led to the reactive reeds in the swamp as well as excellent suggestions that improved the look of the build .

Tezcatlipoca Bisian for inviting me and doing a fantastic job putting it on.

Juko Tempel and White Lebed for helping with testing.

A special thanks to Sabrinaa Nightfire and Georg Janick for very generously allowing me to build an earlier version on their land and Georg for the special thing that the Caerleon Islands art community is which only exists because of his vision and generosity.


Things I didn't make
The CatRomm Splines script by Lyndyn Tzara
The noob by Art Laxman
The Esky and beers by Gumby Roffo
Some textures made by Torley, the sand, chair (LL library)
The tunnel shape leading to the main dance sphere was shaped by Miki Gymnast as part of her wonderful ride at plasma. The sculpts and texture used to create the effect though are mine. ul ride at plasma. The sculpts and texture used to create the effect though are mine.



ABOUT THE IBM EXHIBITION SPACE
=====================
Since 2006, IBM has maintained a presence in Second Life which includes the venerable IBM 6 sandbox, a home and training ground for some of the grids most talented builders, both IBMers and non IBMers. Through the operation of the sandbox, IBM has tacitly recognized that community building and social content creation is a key part of the value of virtual worlds. Most recently, through the thought leadership of Jessica Qin (Craig Becker, CIO Office of Strategic Initiatives), IBM has taken this a step further by opening the two-sim IBM Exhibition Space, located on IBM2 and IBM3 in Second Life.

The IBM Exhibition space is currently curated by Tezcatlipoca Bisiani (Andrew Sempere, Research Designer at IBM's Center for Social Software), and will showcase immersive installations of virtual art and architecture as examples of the cutting edge of what is possible in 3d virtual worlds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since it came at the same time as Bettina's, I assumed it was from her. I'm so jaded or burned out that I rarely go check out new sims. But if it's from Bettina or AM Radio, I'll go!

So off I went. And that is where I took the pic above. If you do nothing else, or if you feel jaded and disillusioned with SL, go check this place out. Srsly...it's worth it.

http://slurl.com/secondlife/IBM%202/163/16/23

http://tinyurl.com/pgvzmk


I was a little disappointed when I first arrived. It looked a lot like a business arch and then open ground. But that didn't last long as I followed the path and came to a body of water. At the far end was a shining pink crystalline form. Click it and you have the option to rest. DO THAT! LOL And the rest I will not tell you. But I will say it restored my faith in SL and was just the magical thing I needed to restore my faith in the good of SL and all it has to offer. It's not about the gossip and the drama and the meaness. At least not for me. I will not deny that it's fun and I have been guilty of enjoying my fair share of it. And I certainly would not begrudge you the opportunity to invest time and energy in it. But I am the most miserable in SL when I indulge in that. And I am by far the most serene when I indulge in a bit of magic and wonder.


So once again when I am at my most jaded, something pulls me through and makes me believe all over again.

Have a good day off tomorrow for those of you who observe Memorial Day.

Hugs..

JoJo

Only in SL....

...or our imaginations.

 

I'm off work for 11 glorious days...and I am spending many of them cleaning up my SLinventory. I know....but it MUST be done. It is now a tangled mess over 48,000+ items. It's making me crazy I tell ya!

It's amazing the things you can find! Like this photo. It's not particularly good, but it reminds me of the fun and magic in SL, and how it touched me and my imagination in way nothing else has since I was a child. Now if those pesky other avatars would just behave! ;-)

*hugs*
JJ

Life's Handbook 2009

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits..
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present..
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. so, be happy.

Last but not the least:
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about

(And yes, I stole this from my friend, Blissie's blog. So there!)

HUGS!
Joonie

Whoooooa...what was THAT?

I miss saying those words. See, I have ADHD, and I was forever getting sidetracked by new,shiny things. Now, I've been diagnosed as bipolar, and the meds make me feel like I've had a frontal lobotomy. And I don't like it.

I miss my highs....and I think the lows are manageable. The meds....they work...I feel less insane. My mind has slowed a bit and my friends say I'm much more balanced. But at what cost? To be honest, I feel flat....I have seem to have lost my creative edge. I used to be able to come here and lay it all out. I loved writing. Now it's like I have nothing to say. What's the point of being "balanced" if I have nothing to say.

Granted, some of you might think that's a swell idea. LOL But if I lose my creativity, if I am numbed out to the point of not caring about anything anymore...I don't know if it's worth it.

I've heard stories of people who stop taking their meds because they miss the highs. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, that I just wanted to get well, you know? So I was like "give me the meds, please." Now I understand better why people discontinue taking them. I don't feel crazy anymore, but I'd almost prefer that to this numbed out feeling. And if I have nothing to say, where is my creativity? How do I express nothing?

So that's what is going on with me atm. Trying to adjust to these meds and trying hard not to think that I somehow caused this to happen. I intellectually understand that it is brain chemistry gone awry and I'm not crazy. But I really was feeling quite insane towards the end. Thoughts were buzzing past me like light waves. I couldn't focus on anything. It was like standing in the middle of the autobahn watching all the cars whiz by...only those were my thoughts.

The meds have definitely slowed me down so I can actually have one thought at a time. Oh joy, you might think. Oh boredom is what I think. I miss my highs really badly. This feels like a fresh kind of hell. Mundane. Monotonous. Dead. I guess this is sanity to most people. LOL But I've lost interest in my blog, in SL, in everything it seems. I just feel blah. Maybe my meds need adjusting! LMAO! I used to say that sarcastically about lunatic bishes. Now I am one! Hooooo!

Sweet dreams!

*huggies*
Joonie

(should have posted a pic of me looking a bit more crazy...hmmm...)

Lagniappe

This post is long overdue. It was supposed to be a continuation on the Looking Back theme. It was to be about Music in SL. Maybe it still will be, but I'm not feeling motivated. I'm not sure what's going on with me and my silly self.

As most of you know who read this blog, you never know what you're going to get here. I don't even know when I sit down to write. I might have a general idea of what I want to say, but many times it changes as I begin to write. One thing I've strived to be here is honest with you, the reader, and to myself, about what is going on with me...what's on my mind. That stark honesty might bother people. I know SL is a fantasy land in many ways, made up of real people behind all the beauty.

I find it interesting that we spend so many lindens creating our persona of beauty, and then we act so ugly sometimes. So altho we are 99% beautiful avatars running around the grid, we still show our human nature. And emotion and thought is what separates us from most other beings on this planet. To have emotion is to be alive, to be human. It's how we react to those emotions that makes the major difference.

I have my opinions. You have yours. Your opinion may make me angry, sad, happy, jealous, confused and mine may bring out the same in you. Does that mean I have the right to say you are "wrong" or you suck? I don't think so. Acceptance is the key to all my problems today. =) Not an easy thing to do.

Enough of that jibber jabber.

Below is a pic I was going to post for the music post. I still might if I can ever get it together and care. LOL I do love music in SL. But to do it justice, I need to spend some time on each musician. And tbh, I just feel too lazy to do that right now. So here's the pic. ;)

I've wondered lately if I should have a theme to this blog rather than being all over the place. Then people would at least have an inkling of an idea of what they were going to get when they came here. One of the ideas I kind of played with was a fashion blog. I know there are a jillion out there, but I've been in SL long enough to accumulate a ton of "stuff." Why not show it? LOL

Ok well maybe not. It would probably turn into a shameless self promotion blog with pics of ME ME ME! LOL Hey! What's so wrong about that!?!?! I'm purdy!

There's a John Mayer song that has the lyrics "just keep me where the light is." There was a point in my SL when I had those words in my profile. I had experienced enough darkness. I'm not talking rp'ing, but real human darkness. Stunned at the ability of people to be so incredibly ugly (naive much?) I just wanted healing and light. The last pic is of Joonie being bathed in light. I hope she stays there.

Thanks for reading! Love you all..hope you know that.

Joonie

Ok Ok..I'm working on it..

I've already started my next post on Joonie's Journey in SL..looking back...but tonight I just need to talk. LOL

Please feel free to not read this and just wait for a fun post.

Tonight, as I was standing in SL listening to Harper Messmer, I realized that the only reason I'm in SL is for the music and the occasional get together with friends. There are ppl in SL that I truly care about. But they are busy with one thing or another or they are in SLove and we all know that can take up most of our time. Just because I'm single doesn't mean all my old friends I ditched when I was in SLove are going to be available now. They've moved on as well and altho we talk in IM a bit, it's not like hanging out with someone.

So, I dunno. It's like I like to shop and listen to music and...erm....shop some more and um....music. I dunno. Tonight I was busy feeling sorry for myself. LOL No srsly! So stupid really. Most nights I'm doing okay...having fun and laughing and meeting new ppl. Tonight I looked around and everyone had someone. Most of the time I am just happy for them and grateful I'm single. But not tonight. I saw it as a big step backwards and equated my singleness with being a loser somehow.

I was talking to a friend about this not too long ago...about how even in 2009, we can feel like we aren't "complete" without a man in our lives. Like having a man validates us or something. What a stupid idea! But I think our society ingrains that into our heads from an early age. And if our mom's or our culture condones that kind of thinking...it's more difficult to not succumb to it, even thought we might know in our brains that it is complete and utter bullshit.

Well, that's my rant. I was just a bit incredulous that I could feel that way! And another thing! Why do I have to be so sensitive?! Someone hurt my feelings tonight...and I didn't even know them! Argghh! I've always been sensitive. On the plus side of that, I'm very empathetic and can pick up on things most people don't. But geeez....this is ridiculous!

So I'm off to sleep and hope I wake up tomorrow feeling as strong as I know I am. Not like some whiny little brat girl. LOL

Nite!
Hugs
Joonie

Live Music in SL

Rebirth

I needed a break from looking back and decided to look forward for a bit. =) Hanging out with my friends always makes me feel happy and grateful.

Me in the sun ... love this place. It has it all. Starkness, beauty, and nostalgia.

Papaya soaking in the rays of love and goodness

Have an awesome week everyone! This weekend went by way too fast. I'll get back to Joonie's story in a few.

Hope.....we all just need a little hope.

Hugs....

Jojo

Endings...Beginnings...Endings...Beginnings

This part of my Slife is not pleasant to recall. But I'd like to get it over with. It's been weighing on my mind for while. Just the thought of doing this post makes me feel kind of sick. So instead of putting it off, I'm going to jump right in and do it.

I remember, the last time Rob and I did anything together was around July 4th of '07. I remember that because I have pics of us at the hippie sim watching a fireworks display. Funny because that is the date my next SL bf was "born."

So I had had the mean talk with Rob, and had muted him. I met K at Merry Pranksters. Max was playing. I was newly single and trying to get on with it. You know that feeling of being lost and not sure what you're supposed to do. LOL As I cammed around the room, I saw this guy standing in the back with sunglasses on smoking a cig. I swear. LOL And I was like, omg, he looks so mean! AND, he was one of those dark guys that think they're all that. I wanted to take him down a peg...men were not my fave topic at that time. So I im'd him and told him he looked mean. He laughed and said I looked mean or something. I don't recall the things that were said, but there was some witty, flirty stuff going one, I guess. When Max finished singing I sent him a few landmarks. That was that.

At some point we friended each other and im'd on occasion. One night I went to hear Max again with some friends. He was there with this girl standing super close to him. When he im'd I ask him about it and he said she was just a friend. A red flag went off. I knew that wasn't true. She was facing him and was right up close and personal. That was not the stance of a friend.

I felt myself get jealous. WTF is going on here, I wondered. He wanted me to come say hello to his friend. I refused. But thought better of it at the end of the night and said hello. She didn't answer me. LOL

Anyway, I think this is going to be a bit more difficult for me as it hasn't been that long ago that things finally ended for the last time. But gotta do it!

So anyway, we started hanging out a bit. Going to hear Max. There was always something "off" about him. I can't put it into words exactly. It was like he wasn't really there or wasn't who he said he was. I've thought about this for some time. I have many theories about who he was and what he was up to.

Anyway, against my better judgement (not that I didn't want to, I did), we partnered in September '07. Things are a bit blurry. All I know is....I feel sad as I write this. Not because I want him back, but because it was such a huge mess. It never should have happened. I have a few good memories where he was sweet and loving. But most of the time he just hurt me. And I couldn't let him go. I have never been so hurt, lied to, and hooked like I was with him. I have no idea why. I spent most of '07 and '08 crying trying to figure out why I was with him. Why I loved him so when he treated me so badly. I have no answer for that. Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't just rebound. Did I really love him? Or was it that he was so emotionally unattainable? I don't know. I still don't know. We would start and stop and start and stop. It was like neither one of us could walk away. But we also couldn't get along. The times between being apart grew longer and the times together grew shorter. I think we both just got tired of it. It ended once and for all around my birthday in February this year. But as a parting gift, he gave me an iPod Touch. LMAO! Whatever.

The bigger question for me was....why the f**k did I let this happen? Was it that I didn't want to be alone? Was he my rebound guy after Rob? And once it was obvious that we didn't get along, why did I stay? And stay...and stay?

I would love to tell you I have those answers. I think I did learn a lot about myself and I kind of do know why I stayed. But that isn't something I want to talk about here. I wasted a lot of time trying to get him to love me the way....the way...........damn.

He never did. He never could. He loved me the way he could. And it just didn't make me feel loved. He did some really sweet things while we were together. But at some point, he was seeing me and someone else. That was the beginning of the end for me. I felt betrayed and hurt. There was no going back. But he had become like a drug that I needed. If any of you know about the relationship between the abused and the abuser, you know what I'm talking about. There was some kind of dependency going on. I began to think it was my fault he was treating me so badly. Rather than looking at him for what he was. A 24 yr old guy. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with being that. But at 24, all I wanted to do was party and have fun. LOL

After over a year, I never felt like I knew him. Maybe we both had trust issues. We shared a lot in the beginning. But the multiple breakups put a barrier between us that we weren't able to climb over. The final straw was when he lied to me about where he was and what he was doing. My dignity finally kicked in and I just couldn't look the other way and act like it was okay. It wasn't.

Writing this, I still feel sad. I did love him, as much as I would like to say I didn't. But at some point, it's not enough. I spent over a year with someone that I didn't trust and who was incapable of loving me the way I wanted to be loved. It just is what it was. I think we both tried to the best of our ability. Some people just aren't wired to give love in abundance. And that is what I want. I will never settle for less again.

Since that time, I have met some awesome guys. Guys I thought might be the one. LOL But after my previous experience, I know what I want. And I'm not settling for less. I'd rather be single in SL than have someone by my side I don't feel like is being honest with me and I have to wonder about where they are. Why they aren't keeping their word.

I guess he just wasn't that into me! ;-)

Poor guy. Did I mention he was stupid, too?

*giggles*

Thus ends SLove for this avatar.

thanks for reading!

Joonie

To SLove or Not...

Well ok...here we go. This is one post I'm not looking forward to doing. LOL! But who knows what will come out once I get started! ;-)



SLove has been the bane of my Second Life existence. It certainly was NOT what was on my mind when I joined SL. I really just wanting to experience flying! I don't recall the first guy that flirted with me. I'm sure I was totally caught off guard and probably was totally shocked...or didn't even know what was happening, tbh.



The first guy that I had those googly feelings for was my first SL bf, Rob. Rob and I just kind of...I don't know. We had the same rez date and a few other things in common. I sometimes think it's difficult for newbies and oldbies to be in a relationship. But Rob and I were at about the same place in our SL time and so we were experiencing similar things, learning as we went.



It started off as friendship. I saw him at Sanctuary Rocks and im'd him something stupid like...I dunno....something about being related I think. He totally blew me off. LOL Or at least I thought he did. But then after a little while he im'd me back and we just started talking. He was easy to talk to and seemed like a nice guy. We were friends first and things just went from there. It was like I was on an emotional rollercoaster, never thinking I would actually fall in slove. I mean, we were just friends, right? We had fun hanging out together and we could talk about anything. I don't recall exactly how that changed, but it did.



We continued to have fun...doing things together. Setting up a house. Partnering. And sharing our SLives. It all sounds so insane and conventional. Eventually we exchanged yahoo msger names and would chat during the day when we could. Then we decided we wanted to hear each other's voice. This was before voice came to SL. So he sent me a cell phone and we talked every day. There were misunderstandings, but we always made up. I felt like I could trust him 100% and that allowed me to open up to him in a way I hadn't with anyone in a long time. There was just one tiny little detail....and that was that I was in a RL relationship and had been for a while.



Rob wanted RL. I couldn't give him that. He would ask me if I ever thought we would be together, and because I didn't want to lose him, I would say maybe someday. Very selfish of me, I know. But I loved him and that was that.



I finally came to my senses and realized that I was not being fair to him. And if I really loved him the way I said I did, I would walk away so he could find someone else. So one night, I very coldly informed him that I had chosen my RL over him. I wouldn't go talk to him because I knew if I did, I would not have the willpower to leave. So I was as cold as I could bring myself to be. Sent the phone back, muted him, end of story.



A few weeks later...I think it was weeks...I im'd him.. He was very angry, which I totally understood. He said he no longer loved me. *ouch* I had that coming I'm sure. But it really hurt me which I'm sure was the intention. I thought to myself, well, you did the right thing because he didn't really love you anyway. What if I had given up my RL and moved to his state to be with him!?!?!



We went a long time without talking. I heard he was seen with some girl at a sex shop...lol. Get down wit yer bad self! People loved to tell me they had seen him with this or that girl. I just didn't want to know, you know? I just wanted to pretend it had never happened. Then I heard he was getting "married." I didn't care so much as I had met someone new and we were getting "married" around the same time.



Here's the other thing. During this time, I had met several guys. There was the one who fancied himself a psychologist that I met at SR when Elijah and I parted ways. He loved to get me all pissed off. Found out later that he was married and had an SL gf. UGH



Then there was the artist guy who I had one of the most amazing nights with at SFH. But I couldn't handle it. I was forever *poofing* on people. Just a defense mechinism that really didn't work very well. He couldn't handle it and that was that for a long time. We finally added each other back to our friend's list. One night, he told me he thought we could be really good together in SL and wanted us to be together. Oh, but there was one little thing. Since he was such a big shot in SL, our relationship would have to be a secret. Shhhhh! I was insulted to say the least, but he was married. The next time we spoke, he didn't recall this conversation. Said something about 'can't two friends dance' and promptly deleted me! I decided he must have been drunk and didn't remember the exact conversation. LOL



I think I'll stop here. I'm not feeling my heart in this. I think because there are still some strong feelings involved in this, I'm trying to hold them in check. Because of that, this blog post doesn't feel all that fun to write. Memories sometimes need to be just that...memories.

SLove has been difficult for me. I'd like to say it was over at this point, but it wasn't. I had one more lesson to learn.

Stay tuned!
Thanks so much for listening!

JoJo

Ok...so...where were we?

Ok so where were we? Oh right, the hippie sim.

I did wind up talking to the "guy" as well and bought some land. I put up a cool treehouse Arwen made and was very happy there. The "nice" guy I met at SR became my SL bf and we lived there together. Set up house and everything. Eventually partnered and had a lot of fun.

There was live music on this sim, and that was my first introduction to live music in SL. I loved it! I loved the relaxed attitude on the sim.. Everyone knew everyone else and you could get as involved as you wanted with the going's on or you could stick to yourself and no one would bother you. It was awesome.

Now, this is where I hesitate. I was approached to....present this part of my story in such a way that I wasn't dissing the sim, but to wrap it up in a nice way to say that this is the kind of bs that happens all over the grid. I don't want to drag up ugly feelings or hurt anyone, so I am not mentioning the name of the sim or the people involved in this part of the story. But I am presenting my side of it, as I've never really done that.

So, as is typical in SL, one of my friends developed a crush on the sim owner. They chatted and hung out a bit, but he was seeing the sim designer. At some point, my friend and this guy start talking and hanging out. They met in RL and began to develop a relationship.

A few months later, the sim designer tells me that she and the sim owner were having a 'thing' in SL and that the 'love' they felt for each other carried over to RL.

I'm like freaking out. I don't want to know this! What do I do? Do I tell my friend what she said? What if it isn't true? I decide, after talking to my SL bf, that I should go to the guy and tell him what I was told and give him an opportunity to "explain" or at least have a head's up as to what was being said..

Well instead of thanking me, he got all defensive. Said why can't he have his SL separate from his RL....blah blah. He demanded I tell him who said this and I refused. So he went to the sim designer and confronted her. She got pissed at me. I can understand that but .....

Anyway, itm, my friend tells me that the sim designer is lying. So when the sim designer confronts me about talking to the sim owner (confused yet?) I tell her it wasn't cool to lie to me. Well that really set her off. She demanded that I be kicked off the sim! And I was! I'm still banned to this day. She has since banned several more ppl. Oh, and the friend and the sim owner? They're together in RL. So there! :P

LOL....now why did I just drag that up from over a year ago? Because it was my first experience with SL drama. It was my first lesson in not getting involved in other people's stuff even if you think you have the best of intentions.

Would I do it again? Probably. But this time I would go to my friend, not to the guy. And then just move out on my own. LOL

So that is the story of how sweet littel Joonie was banned from a sim. *bats eyelashes*

Next up - SLove baby!

Nite nite
Joonie

The Starting Point

I thought I'd back up and talk about how I got to Second Life in the first place.

The company I work for puts on a Symposium for it's customers. Being in the Training Dept, I was required to go and present topics of upcoming software releases and how the system works. It lasts three days and we work really hard to put this on.

On the last day, we're all standing around talking. We are exhausted by this point and a bit giddy. This one girl who I had seen before was talking about this place where you could fly. I was like, what? I had played Sims2 but this sounded really intriguing! Especially when she told me you could fly. And not just sim ppl, but YOU created your own avatar! And she or he could fly around! You could be and do anything you wanted to.

That night, as exhausted as I was, I logged into SL and created an account. I named her Joonie after the Benny and Joon movie, and I was born.

My co-workers name was Julie in SL, and she and her hubby would hang out together and do stupid stuff. I remember one time we stripped and made him tell us what was good and bad about our shape, hair, skin, etc. It was hilarious!! He loved it! LOL

I was hooked right off. Altho I didn't really know what to do, I had fun exploring. One night, Julie im'd me and said she and her hubby were talking to this guy about buying land on a sim that was dedicated to the Grateful Dead. I'm not a big fan of the Dead, but I knew who they were. Besides, I thought, it would be fun to hangout with Julie on the sim. It was an awesome build. Just incredible. But as it turned out, it was also very dark.

To be continued.....

Gor for Dummies

The title is misleading. This blog post is not a HT on Gor. It is just my story of my first encounter with it.


These blogs have to be incredibly boring to most of you. Sorry about that. I just think before I can make a decision about how to move forward, I have to look back. And as most of you who read this blog know, this is like my journal. That said...let's move on! LOL

It's funny how, while writing these blog posts, other memories popped up. Tbey are now kind of not in chronological order anymore. One of the first memories I have after Help Island and Support for Healing was meeting this girl. Her name was Myst, and we hit it off right from the beginning. Probably because she was really outgoing and just drug me around with her everywhere she went. She was really cool and into RP, but not as a slave, but as warrior. That really appealed to me!

The first time I had ever heard about Gor was when I was still at Help Island. Some guy approached me asking if I had ever heard of Gor. I was so new and was instantly kind of freaked out by this stranger asking me stuff. I told him no and he proceeded to send me chapers of the Gor books. I read in horror! LOL I told him to leave me alone....what did I look like to him...somme kind of bimbo? (indeed, as I look back at old pics...I DID! LOL)

After hanging around with Myst for a few weeks, I received an IM from some guy named Elijah. He said he was Myst's RL brother, and she thought I might be interested in this school he had in mind in SL. Would I be interested? Well, I adored Myst...she was like my bestest friend in SL...so I said I would be interested to learn more about it.

Turned out it was a Gor school. He felt like ppl in SL were not playing it the way it was intended, and he had a personal mission to teach them what Gor was really all about. I was like...no way. But he assured me that his Gor was not at all like the Gor I had encountered. So I said sure.

He wanted me to be a commander in his army. That sounded hot. The three of us would go shopping for Gor stuff. He bought me clothes, a cape, boots, a poison pin, a bow and arrow, some other stuff...and we were set to forge our battle and bring dignity back to Gor!! I had a mission!!

Now, here is how my twisted brain worked. First, I had a major crush on the guy. Second, I noticed all the slaves got to wear the pretty stuff, and third and most importantly, when I realized that he would eventually have his own slaves....well, I didn't want that. I wanted to be his slave! Me! Of all people, wanting to be a slave. Bizarre!

So I told him and he said ok. That I wouild be his only slave if that was what I wanted and what that meant. I was to stand by him and be his undying love. No matter what he said, went. But that he would treat me with the utmost respect. He would, in turn, protect me and teach me the ways of Gor. Cool!

He bought me silks and we had long talks. One night, he called me to his Gor home and told me to strip for him. Well, not me but my pixels. I was shocked. I don't know why, but I was. He had been very upfront about how things were to be. But I could not do it. He was very kind. All this made me fall head over heals. Elijah was my first emotional relationship in SL. But it didn't last long.

We spoke on the phone a few times. He shared his piano music with me. He could play beautifully. But it was not to be. I just couldn't handle it.

The last I heard, he had built his school and had another or several other girls. I was happy for him but sad for me. The worst part was it effected my relationship with Myst. I don't know whatever happened to her or to him, but they are a part of my SL story. I still miss them.

It was after this ended that I went to Sanctuary Rocks to dance my blues away to some hard edged rock music...which I don't really like. But it was there that I met two men that were to play a large part in my SL. One a really awesome person, the other one a real manipulator.

Fun times in SL! Stay tuned! ;-) If you can stay awake! LOL

Hugs..thanks for reading

Joonie

It All Started Here!

Help Island is where I went shortly after I was "oriented" at Orientation Station. I had no clue what I was doing, and if you think Orientation sux now, you would not believe what it was like at one time. You walked down a path with little signs along the way. There was a talking parrot and some ball you had to pick up. At the end, you were instructed to fly across some water and land on a little island. That was it. From the island, you clicked a sign and *poof* you were sent to your new home in Second Life. I was sent to Help Island.

Yep, sent right in the middle of this circle with a bunch of people. Crazy people, I might add. From here, they all look fairly average. But let's take a closer look.

First up is this avatar. She looks innocent enough if not somewhat manly. A closer look reveals the name she has chosen out of all the choices: IFreakinRock
Well, nothing like believing in yourself! LOL
Standing beside her is some guy I must have muted at some point.



Next we have a Pamela Anderson type with attitude. Her name is: MyGivaDamn'sBusted. Wonder what she's pissed about. (I kinda like it..shhhh)

This guy's name is LuckyYouHaveMe. 'nuff said (threw up in my mouth a little)

There was a lot of this going on...people tweaking their appearance. It's funny how I'm sure I did this, too, right in the middle of Help Island. But now...no way! LOL

Simon Says: Cross Your Arms!




Not bad. He's just here for.....I dunno. I felt like it? ;-) His name is BadBoy4Life. Figures! LOL


And the Freebies! Who can forget the freebies. There was a Freebies store at Help Island, unfortunately. I remember wearing these wings and thinking I looked so gooooooood! haha



The sign says DO: WEAR CLOTHES

It should hang in every public place in Second Life. There's nothing worse than seeing a penisless man. :P It's just not right. LOL (altho......hmmmm)

Some of the awesomeness of Help Island. The creativity still amazes me .

And my retrospective of my days at Help Island would be incomplete without the Santa hats. That's all you're getting. LOL

thanks for joining me on my journey through Second Life. Next up...Joonie does kajira!

Hugs

JJ

Next Stop - SR

Sanctuary Rocks!

Sanctuary Rocks. Yep, that was the place to be in SL. LOL It was heavy metal music, real loud and insane the way rock music is supposed to sound. It was always super crowded with hot guys in leather and black and usually long hair. Tats everywhere. Spikes everywhere. It was hilarious...and a lot of fun! The place has changed a lot since I was last there. But the vibe is the same. I spent lots of time here when I felt somewhat destructive. When I was angry at the world.. When my first crush ended. ohh...i'm remembering things as I do this. Remembering before the posts I've already done. It's like thinking of one thing leads me to remember something else. I will have to do a post on what I just remembered soon. LOL

I met lots of boys there. Not all of them very nice people. Tonight when I went by there to take some pics, there were a couple of them still there, hanging out and hitting on newbie girls like they did me. LOL I was surprised to see they still hung out there. SR is a fun place..but a place I would think most people would move away from eventually.

One of my early crushes. LOL

I met my first bf here. And a guy that would be the bane of my SL existence for a long time. Luckily, not anymore. But that crush nearly killed me. LOL

Nite everyone.

Joonie

In the Beginning....part deux

Something has been bothering me since I last posted. I wasn't sure what it was, but today I knew. I wasn't finished with the last post, but because it was late and I was sleepy, I posted it anyway.

I am in a reflective mood for better or worse. Looking back, I realize how important Support for Healing really was for me. It not only offered me a safe place to come when the world of SL seemed like too much for me, but I met and spent time with some of my fave people here.

Crazy things happened to Joonie early on in SL. Well, crazy for Joonie. LOL My emotions were being manipulated like crazy. It was a whirlwind of insanity at times, but I loved it! It felt like home to me. ;-) And I gave myself over to it. It was an incredible journey. It was like I woke up to myself.

Being where I am today and where I was when I came here is unfortunately I totally different place. Sitting here as I write this post, I feel a sense of sadness for that girl who came here with such enthusiasm and wonder. I was meeting ppl from all over the world. Making connections that were unbelievable. Falling in love, making close friends. Anything and everything was possible here. I was experiencing all the good things SL has to offer.

Something happened, tho, and I lost myself. Doesn't matter who or what...I'm sure others have experienced similar things. But for me, I guess I'm hyper sensitive to things around me. I pick up on things easier than some. I feeeeeeeel. LOL Anyway, I felt things profoundly in here. Cried more in SL the first year than I think I have in RL in the previous 5 years. And this is where I would come to try to sort it all out. I would pray and meditate and just sit and let it all wash over me, trying to get a grip on what was happening to me....and why.

Om mani padme hum

I take refuge in the Buddha
I take refuge in the dharma, the teachings.
I take refuge in the sangha, the community of practitioners
at my chest is a clear blue light
and from this light, and from me appears the mantra 'om mani padme hum' like a garland
in the center of this mantra appears the lord of compassion, the bodhisattava chen rezig
he is pure white, seated on a blue lotus with pure white moon disk at his back.
he is wearing precious silks and jewels
from his pure body comes radiant light of compassion and love for all beings

Om mani padme hum

so we recite this mantra, and his compasion and love covers us in a warm light
and in our heart we feel great compassion for all beings, and a wish for their happiness and well being.

Om mani padme hum

I offer up this practice that it may benefit all beings.

may all beings find the true source of happiness
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That was my mantra as I tried to stay focused and happy. Tried not to have resentments and to not blame others for how I was feeling. It was a real struggle. People can be very cruel. I can be very cruel when I feel backed into a corner or lied to.

But I didn't want to become that. I did not want to be bitter and closed off from the good things. I loved feeling again and I didn't want to stop. But it did. My fear took over. I haven't really let anyone in since then. Not really...not 100%, I have spent my time on the shoreline...looking out. Watching from the distance. Speaking when spoken to only. Like a child with her nose pressed up against the window on the outside looking in. Not because I wasn't invited to play, but because I chose not to. I didn't want to get close to anyone. I didn't want anyone to know me and I didn't want to know you.

This is a horrible way to live in any life. Earlier I spoke to someone who basicallytold me I had to change. I asked him how and he said just be myself. I hear that a lot. The icky thing is, this IS who I am. It is who I have become. I'm just not sure how to let go of the fear and move forward. But I know he's right. I'm only hurting myself. By not allowing anyone in for fear of letting in people who might hurt me, I'm also keeping out people that are fantastic! People who could change my life, or who I might make an impact on or help somehow.

If it weren't for this place, Support for Healing, I wouldn't have met some really awesome people. I hope you know who you are. And, I wouldn't have found that safe place to come and just be me.

I think I'll try to visit here more often.

Thanks for reading!

*hugs*

Joonie